So yeah, I guess Kamina really was Jesus. Or vice versa.
Either way, it turns out there's always a point when I stop being depressed and basically start shouting "COME AT ME BRO" at the universe.
JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Just who... aw, you know the rest
So yeah, I guess Kamina really was Jesus. Or vice versa.
Either way, it turns out there's always a point when I stop being depressed and basically start shouting "COME AT ME BRO" at the universe.
JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Because we all need a little rant now and then
Time for a rant about something that eternally (and extremely) pisses me off.
Why, exactly, do girls endorse the bad relationships that their friends get into?
Like, seriously, I can talk about this from loads of experience. Half the girls I've liked decide that no, they'd rather date some abusive jerk who thinks of them as an object than a person. I've seen it happen. I see the whole thing kick off and then it all ends in tears as the girl cries that all men are terrible, at least the rich attractive ones because they're the only ones that matter and the rest of us aren't actually "people."
So why, when it's incredibly obvious that a guy is a douche, do their friends not tell them "hey, this guy seems like a jerk, maybe you should reconsider"? Are they all that blind?
Seriously, let me ask you a question. Actually, it'll be a few questions, but you owe it to me to give me an actual answer rather than blowing me off like you and everyone else normally do.
First of all, what the hell kind of reason is "well, he got there first!" So what? SO FREAKING WHAT. Do you know how annoying it is when people on the web comment "first!" and nothing else? Yeah, it's like that. That doesn't mean anything special, particularly when the guy who got there first is pretty clearly a grade-A asshole. Yeah, I'm swearing now. I don't really care, because I'm angry and depressed and after 20 years' worth of taking crap like this from the world I've earned the right to speak my mind.
Question number two, what is so great about these guys that makes them so much better than me? I keep hearing "oh, you're a really nice and funny guy! You'll find someone who likes you!" Yeah, except for the fact that I still haven't, and you're saying that to me whilst pushing the girls that I like toward these jerks. Do you know what that says to me? That says you're a hypocrite. That also speaks a great deal toward what you think of my intelligence!
Third, and here's the kicker, did you ever think that maybe he already had a chance?! I got ONE. ONE CHANCE AND BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO DON'T RESPECT ME I BLEW IT. In case you hadn't noticed, this was my one chance to make an attempt here, and since we go to different schools in different states I won't ever see her again. Don't tell me that's not true, you know it is. People who live near me don't talk to me anymore because they forgot or thought I wasn't worth it. I'm willing to bet you won't ever think about me after this trip either, none of you will. It's not like it's anything new.
Just... don't even think about giving me that "oh well, life isn't fair" bullshit. You honestly think I haven't heard that before? Trust me, I know that better than just about anyone, certainly better than you do. I was ten years old the first time someone tried to kill me. THE FIRST TIME. They tried to strangle me with a costume piece for a class play we were in.
I don't get you people. You don't seem to value the things that matter in life. If somebody gave me a chance I could show how much I would value and appreciate them. But you don't seem to care about that, only the shallow things like looks and money. And since I'm average at best in those areas I'm just not good enough, am I? Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes. Think about how it would feel to be alone like this, and want to matter in just one person's life, but they always reject you for reasons you don't really understand. And then, some people act like they want you to feel better, but it seems more like they're just trying to blow you off because they don't really care and don't want to deal with you.
I've been getting that vibe from people for as long as I can remember.
Yes, I'm angry right now. I'm angry at you, angry at them, angry at the whole damn world, and angry at myself, especially, because I want to be better for everyone else but I can't figure out how.
So you want me to stop being angry? To stop being depressed? Then I dare you, I challenge you, to do something that, to my memory, no one else has ever done.
Stop, take some time to look at this situation, see where things are so painfully, obviously wrong that you've all overlooked. It's simpler than it sounds. Sometimes things that happen are just plain wrong, but if you know what they are than you can make an effort to change them from becoming that way. Do what nobody else has and actually help me. Do it. Prove that you care. People tell me "that's just the way it is" and act like I can't do anything about it, but that's not true. I can make things right- I just can't do it alone. Because everyone refuses to acknowledge that maybe I deserve to be happy and just expects things to get better, and think I should just feel better without any effort to make that change. But you who are reading this can change that- life isn't decided for you. Things aren't "meant to be" or any metaphysical crap like that. You all know that I'm not a bad person. I deserve good things in my life just like anyone else. I'm getting close to the point of not believing in anyone enough to think any of you could help make that big of a change in my life, but I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Please, I genuinely ask it.
Dare to be brilliant.
Why, exactly, do girls endorse the bad relationships that their friends get into?
Like, seriously, I can talk about this from loads of experience. Half the girls I've liked decide that no, they'd rather date some abusive jerk who thinks of them as an object than a person. I've seen it happen. I see the whole thing kick off and then it all ends in tears as the girl cries that all men are terrible, at least the rich attractive ones because they're the only ones that matter and the rest of us aren't actually "people."
So why, when it's incredibly obvious that a guy is a douche, do their friends not tell them "hey, this guy seems like a jerk, maybe you should reconsider"? Are they all that blind?
Seriously, let me ask you a question. Actually, it'll be a few questions, but you owe it to me to give me an actual answer rather than blowing me off like you and everyone else normally do.
First of all, what the hell kind of reason is "well, he got there first!" So what? SO FREAKING WHAT. Do you know how annoying it is when people on the web comment "first!" and nothing else? Yeah, it's like that. That doesn't mean anything special, particularly when the guy who got there first is pretty clearly a grade-A asshole. Yeah, I'm swearing now. I don't really care, because I'm angry and depressed and after 20 years' worth of taking crap like this from the world I've earned the right to speak my mind.
Question number two, what is so great about these guys that makes them so much better than me? I keep hearing "oh, you're a really nice and funny guy! You'll find someone who likes you!" Yeah, except for the fact that I still haven't, and you're saying that to me whilst pushing the girls that I like toward these jerks. Do you know what that says to me? That says you're a hypocrite. That also speaks a great deal toward what you think of my intelligence!
Third, and here's the kicker, did you ever think that maybe he already had a chance?! I got ONE. ONE CHANCE AND BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO DON'T RESPECT ME I BLEW IT. In case you hadn't noticed, this was my one chance to make an attempt here, and since we go to different schools in different states I won't ever see her again. Don't tell me that's not true, you know it is. People who live near me don't talk to me anymore because they forgot or thought I wasn't worth it. I'm willing to bet you won't ever think about me after this trip either, none of you will. It's not like it's anything new.
Just... don't even think about giving me that "oh well, life isn't fair" bullshit. You honestly think I haven't heard that before? Trust me, I know that better than just about anyone, certainly better than you do. I was ten years old the first time someone tried to kill me. THE FIRST TIME. They tried to strangle me with a costume piece for a class play we were in.
I don't get you people. You don't seem to value the things that matter in life. If somebody gave me a chance I could show how much I would value and appreciate them. But you don't seem to care about that, only the shallow things like looks and money. And since I'm average at best in those areas I'm just not good enough, am I? Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes. Think about how it would feel to be alone like this, and want to matter in just one person's life, but they always reject you for reasons you don't really understand. And then, some people act like they want you to feel better, but it seems more like they're just trying to blow you off because they don't really care and don't want to deal with you.
I've been getting that vibe from people for as long as I can remember.
Yes, I'm angry right now. I'm angry at you, angry at them, angry at the whole damn world, and angry at myself, especially, because I want to be better for everyone else but I can't figure out how.
So you want me to stop being angry? To stop being depressed? Then I dare you, I challenge you, to do something that, to my memory, no one else has ever done.
Stop, take some time to look at this situation, see where things are so painfully, obviously wrong that you've all overlooked. It's simpler than it sounds. Sometimes things that happen are just plain wrong, but if you know what they are than you can make an effort to change them from becoming that way. Do what nobody else has and actually help me. Do it. Prove that you care. People tell me "that's just the way it is" and act like I can't do anything about it, but that's not true. I can make things right- I just can't do it alone. Because everyone refuses to acknowledge that maybe I deserve to be happy and just expects things to get better, and think I should just feel better without any effort to make that change. But you who are reading this can change that- life isn't decided for you. Things aren't "meant to be" or any metaphysical crap like that. You all know that I'm not a bad person. I deserve good things in my life just like anyone else. I'm getting close to the point of not believing in anyone enough to think any of you could help make that big of a change in my life, but I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Please, I genuinely ask it.
Dare to be brilliant.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Starry starry night
...I feel horrible again.
I still have feelings for someone who will almost certainly hate me if she doesn't already. Same girl, yes. Not that it matters. It's never the person, it's always the result.
Somebody told me that maybe all the girls who hate me are just shallow. But they're wrong.
The problem is with me. Always has been. It's not something that can be fixed or changed, the problem is that I am me. If I were anybody else things would be OK.
So I'm pushing my luck just one more time. This is my ultimatum to the universe. This is my last attempt to find anyone. Ever. I'm not trying again after this. I lose out on her, I will accept once and for all that I am meant to be alone. I will never try again, never attempt to open up to anyone again. I will go through life alone, and at least know that is how things are supposed to be.
I've had enough failures, okay? I'm so, so tired of it. I feel incredibly old and worthless and unwanted. It's just about broken me. One more failure and I'm done with it. I know I've run out of chances.
Don't tell me "it'll get better, just wait!" NO. That is one of the most idiotic things you can ever say to anyone, especially to me. Things have NEVER gotten better for me, not in years. Only worse. I have long since earned the right to be happy when I want to be, but I can't be. The rest of the world won't let me. I turn 20 in less than a week. I have no relationship experience, no knowledge of love or romance besides the unrequited kind. It's too late for things to change.
It's all up to one last go. Either something finally goes right for me or I accept that nothing ever will. We'll see what happens.
I still have feelings for someone who will almost certainly hate me if she doesn't already. Same girl, yes. Not that it matters. It's never the person, it's always the result.
Somebody told me that maybe all the girls who hate me are just shallow. But they're wrong.
The problem is with me. Always has been. It's not something that can be fixed or changed, the problem is that I am me. If I were anybody else things would be OK.
So I'm pushing my luck just one more time. This is my ultimatum to the universe. This is my last attempt to find anyone. Ever. I'm not trying again after this. I lose out on her, I will accept once and for all that I am meant to be alone. I will never try again, never attempt to open up to anyone again. I will go through life alone, and at least know that is how things are supposed to be.
I've had enough failures, okay? I'm so, so tired of it. I feel incredibly old and worthless and unwanted. It's just about broken me. One more failure and I'm done with it. I know I've run out of chances.
Don't tell me "it'll get better, just wait!" NO. That is one of the most idiotic things you can ever say to anyone, especially to me. Things have NEVER gotten better for me, not in years. Only worse. I have long since earned the right to be happy when I want to be, but I can't be. The rest of the world won't let me. I turn 20 in less than a week. I have no relationship experience, no knowledge of love or romance besides the unrequited kind. It's too late for things to change.
It's all up to one last go. Either something finally goes right for me or I accept that nothing ever will. We'll see what happens.
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