Running on empty

I did a little mental math today. I figured out how much sleep I've gotten over the last three nights or so...

Less than ten hours.

It's a miracle I'm still alive, probably, so I will try to keep this short for both our sakes.

Things have been stressing me out, so I suppose the insomnia is only natural, but the issue at hand we've been discussing is still getting to me. Blarg. Break will give me some time to get away from this all, I guess. I just... yeah. Somebody who figured out that I like this girl said something today, I don't think she meant it in the way it sounded, but she said "I hope she isn't making a mistake." I guess that means her not getting hurt, but... based on what I've been told this guy's not very good at all. People don't change that easily, not as far as I've ever seen.

Or did you really mean you thought she'd be better off with him? I hope not. Look, I really don't think you meant it that way, but it came off sounding like it... if you don't want her to get hurt, that's fine, but you really want her to take a risk with a very potentially abusive guy? Is that really what you want? And you'd rather have her with that guy than take a chance with me, who at least we know would make a hell of an attempt to be a good boyfriend?

All I'm saying is, don't you dare, DON'T YOU DARE put somebody like that guy ahead of me. I've had enough of that in my lifetime already, and I'm sick of it. Sometimes we have to go through pain to get to something that's actually good. That's why I'm still enduring this. I'm hoping the future will bring what I want.

Because if it doesn't, I think I'm done with other people...

This is what I do, every time, every day, every second...

Today was a very boring day, but I can live with those once in a while. I fell asleep in the green room again today, the fact that my sleep has been thrown off makes those couches in there very precious to me. Honestly I kinda wish I could live in there.

I do also wish people would decide on a spelling for theatre/theater. It always gives me trouble deciding which I want to use.

Did something good today, though. One of the profs was watering her plants today and she fell over. I was the only one in the building and realized something was wrong pretty quickly when I heard the yells, so I rushed out there and I'm proud how calmly and I quickly I handled things. Fortunately our good doctor wasn't hurt besides a bruised knee, but I didn't panic in a potentially dangerous situation and I'm glad to know I can do that.

In HeartGold I climbed Mt. Silver just to see what it was like, caught Moltres (fairly easily, oddly enough) and got to the top. Saved at the peak and then tested Red... yeah, he's pretty tough. His Pikachu nearly OHKO'd my Victreebel with Iron Tail. Okay, so there was a nearly thirty-level disparity, and that was his strongest, but still, WOW. More training needs to be done. Truly he is the ultimate Champion. Oh, and I got Spiky-Eared Pichu yesterday. Yay, slightly different Pichu!

...yep, still geeky.

You know what is awesome about college? The people. They're great here.

Hey look, democracy just kicked in!

I realized just how much time I spend in the theatre building today. I fell asleep in there after classes and woke up to find the Moliere show starting rehearsal. Heh. On the plus side, I got some sleep out of it, and I didn't miss anything else going on, so...

Tomorrow is kinda the halfway point of the week. Thank goodness for Easter break coming up, because this week's probably going to be murder on my sleep cycles.

Spent some time this evening with a sick friend. Hope he feels better soon, his coughing sounds pretty rough.

The next week or two will actually be kinda short, now that I think about it. Easter break coming up, then the culture trip begins next Friday. It's going to be totally awesome. I'm looking forward to it, quite frankly, though I know I've mentioned it before.

Hrmph, I realize I'm probably bugging you all by writing about this so much, but more info on the girl situation. I'm getting advice on how to actually do the whole relationship thing in advance (trying to be optimistic that this will actually work) because frankly I'd be out of my depth if I tried to improvise with this. It's one of those things I'd rather be safe than sorry, y'know? I should ask sometime to talk about what one does before getting into the whole relationship thing. I'll assume they still want to help me, as they promised they have (and I'm putting my trust in these people), but I still need to know what to actually do. I have to put effort into this if it's gonna work.

And apparently some of her other friends aren't particularly fond of this guy she's going after either. The fact that they all seem to dislike him makes me wonder what the frak she sees in him in the first place. Sometimes I wish I was more like the Doctor and could stride into a scene, take total control of things while being brilliant and awesome, and just be this ubercool force of nature that everyone notices and respects. But I'm not, so I have to be patient and wait things out in the background for now. Not as dynamic, I suppose, but works better in reality. Probably.

Alternately, I'm kind of tempted to find out who this guy is and totally uppercut him like Eleven does to that one dude in this trailer.

...I don't care, it'd make me feel better, OK?

It's a sort of James Bond thing

Sorry I didn't blog last night, I didn't have a chance to get to the computer after the show. Shall we just try to say a lot and make this one for both today and yesterday, then?

Well, the show went really well, I guess. People laughed more than I expected, which is a good thing. Though one thing that always annoys me is that when we come out afterward from shows to meet the audience, hardly anyone ever wants to talk to me. I appreciate the people who do, but there are so many who just walk by and don't even look at me. Thanks for the acknowledgment, folks. Not like I put any effort into this production.

I am glad it's over, though. I need the free time again, at least until I have to start doing sound board stuff for the Moliere show. Frankly, I'm just exhausted with all the stuff that's been going on. We started this near the end of Urinetown, and so there wasn't any gap in between. And with a four-day weekend coming up, I think some R&R is in order pretty soon.

I saw geese yesterday at the pond. It was pretty cool. Seeing them up close like that, with them just looking on calmly... kind of a magic moment, you know?

Today I'm going Chansey hunting in HeartGold. I'm considering getting Pearl as well as SoulSilver, and I'm sort of going back and forth over whether I should use an all-female or mostly-female team. I really want to use Vespiquen, and I kind of like the idea of using Blissey... we'll see what happens. I intend to make a list of all the guys (or gals, I suppose) I want to use in-game someday, just so I always remember. Could do that today, I guess...

After the show last night, one of my friends invited me over and we played Left 4 Dead on the Xbox. I've read about the game but never played it before, and while Xbox isn't really my thing I have to admit I'm not too bad at it. And then we watched Clash of the Titans, which is an interesting movie, to say the least. Plus it has Claire Bloom. Yes, the Doctor's mother from The End of Time. Sheesh, people from Doctor Who are everywhere...

This first year of college is nearly over. Sheesh. What's up with that? Is this place secretly in a time bubble or something? Do I need to call the American branch of Torchwood in? Is there an American branch of Torchwood?

Last night I think my friends noticed that I've been reeling a bit lately with this whole girl issue, so I got some words of encouragement, which I appreciate... I wonder if you're reading this, guys? You seemed to notice that it's because she likes some other guy... I suppose there isn't much else to be depressed over, but still you got right to the heart of things.

I believe the words that got used were something along the lines of "she's making some poor choices right now... but give it a couple of weeks..." That's fine. I can wait. I'll be patient. So she's after a guy who's not any good for her and will probably make her miserable, so what? If I give up now it'll go against what I've come to believe in- if there's a wall in my way, I'll smash it down. If there isn't a path, I'll carve one out with my own hands. Things will work out this time. They have to work out. If I've been putting all my faith in the idea that hope and willpower can pull me through, and it doesn't happen... what do I have to believe in?

I'm putting it all on the line for the sake of someone I care about. I don't intend to get hurt this time.

...I just don't want her to get hurt either.

Symbolism symbolism symbolism!

So the first set of Directing II shows were tonight. They were pretty good, and funny to boot, so that's always great.

Needed the humor today, really. Just felt kinda down all throughout. And tired too. Spring break may have been a week, but that is not long enough, so Easter break will be a welcome reprieve. Either I need to talk to someone or just get away for a while... I know I'll probably feel better in the morning, but right now I'm hurting and it's hard to look to the future.

But I keep moving on, watching the world turn, standing amongst them all but apart from everyone.

...*sigh* Sometimes I manage to explain things like that, but usually I feel rather inarticulate about my inner feelings. Maybe that's one of the reasons it seems like people don't understand. 'Cause right now I'm thinking about her and how beautiful and amazing she is but she likes someone else, and even though I know it's not forever it's still killing me a little. On the other hand I'm glad I can't say anything to her because what would I say? I'm so inexperienced at this I'd screw it up.

This is why I need other people, because there are things I can be brilliant at, but then there are the little things that, to all of you, seem simple and mundane, but to me are mountains to climb over. And I can't climb those mountains alone.

I hope the weekend brings better feelings. Now to just distract myself until I fall asleep so these dark whisperings of loss and loneliness go away.

Okay, that's just getting a little too flowery there. Sorry about that. Perhaps I had best go to bed now.

C is for CAUGHT YOU AT LONG LAST, YOU STUPID SON OF A-

-so um, I caught Raikou in HeartGold today. First time I've gotten that guy without a Master Ball or being in Colosseum with its increased catch rates or whatever. Still working on Entei, but I may soon have all three in one game. Also caught Zapdos, a nice little bonus, and got a few leader numbers for rematches. I think I have seven or so, but you can only fight a few per day at specific times, so I roasted Bugsy's team over and over. That is one good point- multiple rematches with each one. As long as it's in the specific time, you can fight as much as you want.

Well, as promised, my overall review of HeartGold, summed up into two handy sections:
Pros:
*A pretty faithful remake with a lot of bonus stuff added in. Kanto's a bit better and caves/stuff are bigger, and leader rematches and increased levels help buff it up more.
*The Safari Zone in general is pretty cool. Step limits seem to have been removed, as far as I can tell.
*Great sprites for nearly everyone. There are a couple odd ones, but the majority are amazing.
*Pokewalker. So cool.
*The Pokeathlon is a fun diversion, and the point exchange helps you get some rare evolution items- King's Rock, Shiny Stone, Dawn Stone, Dusk Stone, and Metal Coat, off the top of my head.
*The return of Kurt's custom Poke Balls makes catching a lot easier.
*Humor in the game. "That's what's called a Fake Out," Youngster Joey's Rattata, the couple with a Cloyster and Onix, and two Bird Keepers within short walking distance named Bert and Ernie. Seriously.
*Beautiful music. Ho-oh's battle theme, the leader battle music, the Champion battle theme, the legendary beast music... lovely stuff.
*All that continuity. Every Champion appears! And so do Maylene and Crasher Wake! Jasmine will trade you the Steelix she uses in Sinnoh contests! Good job doing your homework, Game Freak.
Cons:
*Increased encounter rates. So, so much. It makes sense that they show up more when you're running, but it's so annoying when you want to get somewhere and don't want to have to walk slowly. And when you want to find something, the game seems to forget about it... also, that applies to surfing. Hate Tentacool? You're gonna see a lot of them. Buy Repels, seriously.
*The game isn't too hard. Clair and Lance will probably be your toughest battles, then it's fairly easy. Even the legendary pink cow of doom isn't too hard.
*I love the Pokeathlon, but it can get a little boring to do the same stuff over. Also, the Skill course is far and above my least favorite, having won at it only once. The bonuses seem to be random too. "Fighting spirit" seems to be a way to buff up the opponents' points and nothing else.
*Apparently Europe is now in control of the ratings board for America, because sadly the Game Corner is gone in every continent's games. And the guy outside Celadon's gym is no longer a pervert. Minor things, but still sad.
Overall Verdict?: Easily one of the best Pokemon games ever produced. Platinum has a couple things over it, but this game just has so much more (plus no Contests), so this edges it out. Worth the money.

So, other things? Not a whole lot... oh, I'm the light/sound board person for the Moliere show! I'm really excited to do it, but it will be a big responsibility, so I'm psyching myself up to do my best and learn something. I hope I can make everyone proud... plus it will be good experience.

I also saw the Poet Laureate for the USA speak for an hour today. The fact that I put Pokemon above this tells you how much poetry means to me. I drew all eleven Doctors today, partially during British Lit and partially during that session. I paid attention, I was just bored. My Jon Pertwee's gotten a lot better, though.

Rain, rain, go away, go and bother Canada

Just... not when I'm there in the summer. Please?

It's raining right now, in case you didn't guess. It's better than freezing snow, I guess. But I kinda miss the sun for once.

I just made a playlist of every song I downloaded using Firefox's YouTube video-to-MP3 converter. Makes it much easier to find those songs if I just want to listen to some randomly. Some of that stuff I forgot I had...

Rush is made of win, incidentally. I need to get more of their music off iTunes. I still have two fresh gift cards... also should get the soundtrack for the other show the "A Very Potter Musical" guys did. If you haven't heard of this other show... eh, go look it up, the surprise will be better than if I told you. I've been watching it in bits at a time, it's surprisingly good for the idea behind it.

As I multitask, I'm reading more about "The Eleventh Hour" and HOLY COW DAVID TENNANT MAKING A CAMEO IN SOME WAY WHY IS IT NOT APRIL YET. Even if it is only like in "The Next Doctor" with every Doctor showing up in a little clip, that is awesome. But hopefully it won't overshadow Matt Smith's first episode. A lot of people are giving the dude a hard time, and I think it's a shame some of these people haven't realized this happens every freaking time and the new Doctor always turns out all right.

In the meantime, I've gotten back to drawing, just a little. Worked on a sketch of that idea I mentioned last time, though I will have to redesign it to make it funnier. It's hard to draw Eleven's hair accurately, so it's more of a caricature than anything. Oh well.

Beat the last three Kanto leaders today in HeartGold. Even Blue was surprisingly easy. Tomorrow, perhaps, I will have a full review of the game (though I bet you may be sick of hearing about it already).

Today was a pretty good day though. Even despite the rain. And missing a class due to this stupid daylight savings thing. Whenever you get to sit down and have a conversation with the girl you like, even for a few minutes between classes, I'll call that a good day.

"It's not a box, it's a time machine!"

Somehow I missed it before, but there's a clip of "The Eleventh Hour" online. I found it here, if you want to see.

I, for one, am exceptionally excited now. More than I was before, I suppose. I do keep saying it, but I have a lot of faith in the upcoming MATT SMITH YEARS. I never had any doubts, but yup, that's definitely our Doctor in that clip. Brilliant, funny, thinking of others, and a little dash of ego. Ah, the future is bright indeed.

Also, there's another trailer available to watch as well. Can you say "totally awesome"? Because I can.

I really want to see the new TARDIS interior, though. And if possible, I'm still curious about what Eleven's original costume looked like. There need to be pictures of that sometime- I know they exist, Moffat! Share with the fandom!

The other day I heard it implied that Mr. Smith looks like a Twilight character, which gave me an idea for a comic I should draw. Heh, this is the first time I've actually mentioned Graphing Mercury (the comic I draw in my boredom/spare time) and I named the freaking blog for it! That's my mental process for ya, I guess.

Ooh, one more thing that's awesome: the Eleventh Doctor, Amy, and the TARDIS in LEGO form. Behold and be amazed at the bricktacular goodness. I think that's enough links for you tonight though, eh?

I'm still playing the crap out of HeartGold. Beat five of the Kanto gyms so far- did I mention I beat the Elite Four yesterday? I went in with all my guys leveled 44-45 or so, didn't really have much trouble until Karen. Lance was fairly easy minus the three Dragonite, but his highest-leveled one is 50, and it is the first of the three to appear, so it's clear sailing once it's gone, assuming you have enough power/items to blaze through the rest.

And I worked through yesterday's problems that were mentioned. Love my friends.

They should have sent a poet. Because I am not one. Seriously.

Warning! The following episode contains copious amounts of DUKE DEVLIN-

Okay, not really. I lied about that. I don't have a Popemobile either. But that would be totally awesome if I did.

So... where was I? Well, today was the first day back to classes, fairly easy but also rather boring. By the end of the day I was completely spacing off. I suppose it being my boring religion class helped that along a bit, but still... didn't sleep much either, due to daylight savings and all that jazz.

The problem with that spacing off is when I come back to reality and found I've written pieces of poetic theme about a certain someone.

Not poetry. Pieces of poetic theme. The distinction is important.

OK, but seriously, though? I'm writing poetry? Is this weird as it seems to me? What's wrong with me right now? Am I freaking out over nothing?

I am wading into uncharted waters here. I need some outside opinions as to what the heck I'm doing here.

What we just discussed never leaves this site, by the way.

,,,so I said to my dentist "you want the tooth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!"

Back at college, at long last. It's been a mostly relaxing and gaming-filled week. Also there were doughnuts, and those are always good.

I really just need a snack and some sleep right now. Not as much to say as I'd thought.

No improv practice tonight, but there was rehearsal for the Directing II show. Went well, I think the show will be a big success.

Wonder what's in store for me in the two weeks until spring break?

I am Snape, the Potions master.

Except not really. Did you know they're making new Harry Potter LEGO stuff for later this year? So psyched to finally get a Hogwarts castle, along with Dumbledore and Voldemort minifigures.

Which also reminds me, not that long til they start selling those minifig packs. If you haven't heard, they'll be $2 apiece and each will hold a random figure, most of which are either new and unique or releases of older things from discontinued lines. Man, I am such a nerd for being excited for these things.

Finally caught up with all the Chuck that was recorded. Seriously, if you haven't yet watched the show, what are you doing here?

I still am sort of ambiguous as to whether I really want to go back to college. Of course I do have to return tomorrow, but I am not wholly looking forward to actual work and that kind of stuff, not at all. If only I could find a compromise and do all the fun stuff without the schoolwork. Hrmph. That's something I could live without, homework...

Two weeks until Easter break. Less than a month until culture trip. Less than two months until I get to see that improv show. Just have to keep going one day at a time.

That's the best we can hope to do, really. Wouldn't you agree?

Meanwhile, time for an installment of... Facebook things that really tick me off!
1. Spelling the same thing wrong. Over and over. Somebody apparently went to a Dr. Seuss-themed musical and keeps spelling "Seuss" wrong. Frankly, you no longer have a right to be part of humanity if you disrespect the great man like that.
2. Thinly-veiled references to your personal life using the same song lyrics everyone else is using. Seriously, expand your library a little, people.
3. People who like their own statuses. Still hate that.
4. I also still hate the "join to see" groups.
5. Lover of the day/photo of the day stuff. Stop clogging my feed with your worthless crap, please. The reason it's so hard to find stuff on each "new" Facebook is because that stuff keeps burying the moderately important things.
6. Your poorly-written, jokingly insulting posts on your friends' walls. Don't really care, that's what your private messages are for. Again, clogging my feed.
7. When you try to chat with someone and they go offline the second you click their name.
8. Requests to join games and stuff. OK, this doesn't bug me that much, but I don't want to play Facebook games, frankly. Just not my cup of tea.
9. The fact that I had to do this in order to take up space.

On the plus side, going back to college means I'll have more to talk about. Yay!

(HeartGold update: still training. Will try to aim for 45 or so, probably overkill but I prefer to be safe on these things. Oh, and my Typhlosion has a Shining Leaf. Awesome)

SnooPING AS usual, I see!

Forgive me Lord, for I must resort to Internet memes for my entry titles.

Slow day again today. Went over the lines for that play. Did Pizza Hut for dinner, and boy, did I need that.

So apparently they're doing a study to find the most efficient way to build up watts on the Pokewalker without having to actually walk. Am I the only one who sees the irony in them putting in so much work into being lazy?

Today was another beautiful day, albeit a little cooler than I'd like. Still a good sign that spring is well on its way.

Finished "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter." An excellent read from start to finish. Sometimes you forget about the whole fiction thing and it feels like reading an actual biography. It helps that the biography bit helps it avoid the vampire thing from taking over the whole book. It does utilize interesting points from Lincoln's life, and from other bits of American history, in an entertaining way. I actually learned some stuff- for example, did you know that in the 1860s, presidential candidates didn't campaign for themselves, but their supporters did?

It's been odd, these two and a half months or so without any Doctor Who, just waiting for the Matt Smith years to start. It's an odd psychological shift from thinking of the Doctor being Tennant to the Doctor being Smith, because it's been a near-effortless transition in my mind. I think that's a strength of the show, really, in that it can make you believe so easily that the character can change his face and still be the same guy. Plus, compare to things like Bewitched or James Bond where they never mention the change- it's a big plot point in Doctor Who! He spends whole episodes recuperating! When you think about it, it's really a form of simple genius. But I do go on...

I've been feeling odd lately. I'm feeling a little... I dunno? Drained? That sounds more like a physical state. Empty? Nah, too depressing. I'm kind of... unfulfilled? That's the best word I can think of at the moment. I feel like I need to be doing something, but I don't know what. Like something's missing and I need to go get it.

Heard a great song yesterday. You can find it at this awesome music video for Chuck, one of my favorite TV shows.

But seriously, get out of my head and stop making my innermost thoughts into songs, Relient K! Geez!

(HeartGold status: Got to just before Victory Road. Mostly did some training and collecting of stuff, used Pokewalker, caught Lapras in Union Cave. Kinda been going a little more slowly recently)

Guys? ...I know kung fu.

Today, I found a book called "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter." Yes, it is every bit as cool as it sounds. It's from the same guy who wrote "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies," so if you liked that, or perhaps if you're just a big Lincoln fan, you'll like it. However, you can't really take it seriously, you have to go in with the understanding that the entire point of it is to be ridiculously cool and awesome as it can be. It's kinda like Gurren Lagann in that respect.

Which reminds me of something entirely different, did you know the guy who does Potter Puppet Pals is one of the people behind Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny? Unexpected, I know.

Recently, I have started an attempt to communicate with people more. To be specific, I've fired up the old Blackberry and started texting. It's a little disturbing just how addicting it can be. I wonder if they designed it with that idea in mind...

As much as I enjoy the stress-free life that spring break has given me, I miss college a bit more every day. What with all the things coming up, and the people I miss, I feel like I have unfinished business there.

Heh, in a way I kinda do, don't I? I'll be heading home from college around May 14 or so. It looks like I've got about two months to try and get the girl (with a little help from my friends- OK, a lot of help), and do it the right way this time.

Always did like a good challenge.

The Blogosphere Inflation Theorem

Today, I don't have anything particularly deep or interesting to talk about, but that's Wednesdays for ya, I guess.

I love The Big Bang Theory. I finished watching Season 1 at long last and am a couple episodes into Season 2. I can't watch a whole lot at once because I feel a little overloaded. It's one of those shows that makes me feel intelligent when I watch, because I can listen to the geeky stuff and go "oh hey, I get that!" Also Sheldon's shirts. The site www.sheldonshirts.com has a reference guide to many of the shirts, though unfortunately many are discontinued. Plus they don't have a place to find the Seal of Rassilon shirt Leonard had on Monday's rerun episode. Oh well.

I'm tempted to get shirts for all the Lantern Corps symbols. I found a link on the t-shirt page for the Red Lantern shirt Sheldon wears in the episode with the One Ring prop, and they've got the other seven colors as well. I quite covet the Orange Lantern shirt (ha ha).

I fired up my iPod for the first time in a while today, after leaving it in my coat pocket. (we can go out without coats or jackets now! Huzzah!) I decided to listen to the Gurren Lagann soundtrack, or at least a couple of my favorite pieces. Go find "Libera Me From Hell" and "Pierce the Heavens With Your XXX!" on YouTube, they're both excellent tracks. Now, normally I'm not a huge fan of anime and manga, I was more so when I was younger... but Gurren Lagann is a great show, I sincerely hope they dub the movies.

Actually, I just had an idea. Get Kyle Hebert, the voice of Kamina, to replace Lickliter as Iowa's basketball coach. But he has to do it in character as Kamina.
"Coach, we're down by thirty points!"
"Put some manly spirit into it! Don't believe in yourself. Believe in me who believes in you!"
"But-"
*PUNCH* "LET'S SEE YA GRIT THOSE TEETH!"

...I'd probably be interested in sports if they were more like that.

(HeartGold update: beat Clair today, in the first challenging fight I've had so far. Quilava and Weepinbell both evolved today. Used Pokewalker some more. Magneton is still a beast)

My friends say I should act my age... what's my age again?

By the way, before I say anything else, I replied to the two comments last time in another comment, but I figured I'd say in case you guys didn't notice. And to the Downright Fiction guys, I realized your page mentions to send submissions to you, but as I don't actually have a submission, not knowing what you're looking for, please leave a comment with whatever you need, whether you want me to e-mail you or something. I would be interested in writing for you though. It is one of my favorite things to do!

Visited the high school a couple times today, once for musical rehearsal, though I didn't actually see much of it. Weird how things move on, you expect everything to fall apart once you're gone. I wonder if this is how David Tennant feels. But it's a good feeling to know that I've grown since I left, because high school seems so small now. I hope the seniors this year get the same feeling of expanded horizons, because there's a whole lot more to the world out there than they ever realized...

Seriously, the costume loft has a banner with a quote from Alexander Pope on it that was put up since I left. Thanks to Brit Lit, I actually know who that guy is!

Tomorrow will be a nice day at home with Mom, as she is taking the day off. We're going to bake cookies, which I guess sounds a little silly, but I think it'd be nice to just be with my mom for a while. It's been some time since we really got to be around each other. She's been busy since I got home, and of course I had college over the last few months... Being an only child and all, I think I may have a different perspective on my relationship with my parents than kids from big families.

Being at college has made me understand exactly how much my parents love me, and how much I miss them. Even in dark hours when I'm feeling down, I don't doubt how much they care about me. I'm glad I can see that. A lot of people can't.

Perhaps, rather than putting all this money into sports, school systems should work on making their students feel good about themselves. Which reminds me, I was kinda disappointed that yesterday's biggest news was apparently a basketball coach getting fired. Glad to know that was the most important thing that happened...

There's a cartoon, possibly a Far Side strip, where it shows an alternate universe with basketball players complaining about how teachers get paid far too much. I saw it pinned on a teacher's wall last year. The thought of it still makes me smile...

(HeartGold progress: beat Pryce, sent the Rockets packing from the Radio Tower, became a Pokeathlete. Will tackle Ice Path tomorrow. Started up the Pokewalker today, put in the Shuckle from Cianwood. Takes some getting used to...)

...something along the lines of bingle bongle dingle dangle...

(...yickety doo, yickety da, ping pong lippy tappy too ta...)

Spent the day at home alone since the parental units had work. Quiet, but boring day. Played more HeartGold. Will try to avoid talking too much about that, I'll put a little note or something at the bottom if that much and use the rest of our time today to discuss more pertinent things.

Hey, remember way back when, that time I said there were two girls I was interested in, and one was in the theater and that's who I've mostly been talking about, then there's this other one? Hey, she's in a relationship now! With some other guy, naturally, and based on the Facebook comments it sounds like they were getting close to that point for a long time now. Which is funny, she told me straight up once she wasn't interested in relationships.

Funny how that works out.

Eh, don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or jealous nor any other such thing, but... well, there's a little contradiction of statements there, am I right? I have to wonder, if you lied to me about that, how many of the other things you told me were lies as well? Were we ever really friends? After all, you never made any efforts to talk to me; yes, we drifted, but you could have tried to reach me like I tried to reach you. You should have just told me all that time ago there was somebody else you were interested in, and I'd have backed off and been fine with it, heck, I'd be happy you'd be honest...

That's the problem with when people lie to me, they think they'll make me feel better, but they don't. And when I find out- which I will- I'll wonder why they hadn't the respect to be honest in the first place.

I'm disappointed. Not mad, not really hurt (I was mostly over you anyway), not anything else. Just disappointed. And that's all I really have to say to you.

But as to the girl I'm actually after, now, there's a different story...

I came to a realization today. In the shower, where all such epiphanies tend to take place. I think I'm finally ready to genuinely make a serious effort for her, and though it'll take all the help I can get, it's time that I really work to succeed and not fail for once. Because now I know why I want to be in a relationship. At least, partway, it's hard to put into words, but... I don't want to be happy. Okay, that's a bit wrong. What I mean is, I don't want other people to make me happy. I want to become happy by making other people happy. I won't deny that there's still some selfish motives in there- yes, I still want someone to love and laugh with and be able to tell anything to without being judged, I want that kind of inexplicable unique and special bond I see happy couples have. But I want to be able to make someone like her, someone very much like her, maybe even the lady herself, laugh and smile and just be able to do that for someone. And if I'm happy because I know I did it, well, that's good too. But if I'm the most important person in someone's life, I want to earn that position.

Is this making sense? Does this sound right or am I being crazy? I've never quite felt like this before, is something wrong with me?

You know, the other day somebody told me something very wise. I was surprised by it, not because they were saying something so insightful but because it, in and of itself, was such a simple and beautiful fact that had never occurred to me. It was something along the lines of "maybe the universe is making this harder for you so that it will feel that much better when you succeed."

It took a while for that one to really sink in with me, but after I mulled it over, it made more and more sense to me. And yes, I think maybe that's right. Maybe the cosmic hopscotch is lining up so that I can take a difficult leap into something good. I've never been the most religious person, but I'm starting to think that maybe God has put her in my path, not just so I could find her but so I could find a bit more of myself as well.

Look, I speak in cliches when I get in a good mood, you're just going to have to deal with it.

(HeartGold progress: got to Mahogany. Drove out the Rockets. Going to train a little more before challenging Pryce. Magneton is a beast)

It's a whole new world we live in, dodododo, it's a brand new way to see...

So yeah, HeartGold. I got it.

And it is awesome.

Let's see- graphics? Amazing. Music? Fantastic. Fun value? Uh, check. Reliving your childhood but even better? Heck yes!

Currently I've reached Ecruteak and have my complete team of six, mostly around early twenties level-wise, except for Shockeye and Nite Owl (Magnemite and Hoothoot, respectively), who are around 15-16ish, I think.

You know, Whitney was really easy. I didn't even need the Machop I trained as an emergency trump card. A little disappointing, but hey, it was nice to beat her on the first try. It's all about the Weepinbell and Quilava, baby. And her gym is still a Clefairy!

I like how they integrated the new stuff with the old and made it actually fit. If this was the first time you played this particular story, you wouldn't necessarily know that they're remakes. Plus, you know how the gyms and leaders tended to be a bit bland-looking back in the day? Yeah, not anymore. Falkner's gym is pretty amazing for the first one, and Bugsy has a cool but simple maze.

Having your Pokemon follow you around is a nice touch. It's a bit disconcerting seeing them jump forward in battle rather than pop out of a ball, but it's pretty cool. Oh, and that Togepi you get? Yeah, it has Extrasensory for an egg move, at least mine did. Nice little touch there. Expect more info tomorrow, there's a lot to this game and I don't think I'll have it beaten anytime soon.

In other news, saw Iron Man today. Yes, finally. Great movie, want to see the sequel now.

Looking forward to culture trip, and our family vacation more and more every day.

I know you're probably never going to read this, but I'm thinking of you, even if you're not thinking of me. ...which sounds way creepier than I meant it to be. Sorry about that.

I must now remind you: let it rock, let it rock, let it rock

Love that song. Isn't one of the guys who made it in jail now though?

I was going to try to avoid saying it, but HEARTGOLD/SOULSILVER COME OUT TOMORROW. Holy freaking cow. It's things like these that make insomnia really annoying, and sleep aids priceless. We've been waiting for, what, almost a year now? I think the original announcement was made sometime around May 2009. It really does not seem like that long to me. Which is really weird, I'd think it would seem longer, but...

I slept in until 11:30 today. Man, I missed being able to do that.

You know, it's oddly never a hard transition from college to home and back again. I don't know why this is, but I guess it's for the best. I kinda miss college though. Will probably visit the high school sometime this week, but I'm not entirely sure yet.

I wonder where people in Florida go for spring break? Do they stay home or go somewhere cooler? It hardly seems fair that they get to live there all year as it is...

Anyway, expect tomorrow to feature what will be my de facto review of HeartGold based on however far I get, which probably means epic gushing and raving. Perhaps sometime soon I will have something else to talk about, but it's gonna be a slow week.

Oh, and if you haven't seen it before, go watch The Big Bang Theory. Seriously, that's good TV right there.

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Home at last. Thank goodness. You know, I think we don't appreciate sleep very much when we're young. When we get to this age, even, we feel like ten o'clock is pretty early. If I go to bed before then, I know I feel like I didn't accomplish much that day...

But yeah, spring break. Finally.

Got a B on my religion midterm. Not bad, I guess, could've done better but I actually studied fairly hard for that one. I'll live with that grade, I guess. Still don't enjoy that class very much, nearly fell asleep in it today- partially from being tired and partly from just wanting to blow that popsicle stand. Don't really have much homework over break, either, just some reading. That should be easy enough.

I had a better day today though, talked to people some, said goodbyes to those I could... good to know I'll be missed over the next week. I was actually a little sad to leave for home, so I guess that's a good thing about this whole college business. I'm also pretty excited for the culture trip coming up in April. I will definitely be gushing over that video game orchestra after I see it.

Also, holy cow, ever closer to the HeartGold/SoulSilver release date! Is it Sunday yet? No, sadly. But soon... Bulbapedia's official timer has it less than a day now til the 14th (on EDT time). I can hardly believe it's been, what, nine or ten years since the original versions of the games came out? Man, if I could show my younger self what would be coming...

Oh, and for all two of you who really care, I've officially decided my teams for both games. I'm getting and playing HeartGold first, then SoulSilver at an undecided later date. Maybe vacation, I dunno. Anyway, the teams as they stand:

HeartGold: Typhlosion, Poliwrath, Victreebel, Sudowoodo, Magneton, Noctowl
SoulSilver: Feraligatr, Arcanine, Sunflora, Hitmonchan, Ambipom, Farfetch'd

I have names decided for almost all of HeartGold's members and one or two for SoulSilver. I like nicknaming my guys, I didn't in the past, but it makes it more personalized, and gives you more of a bond to the monsters you put effort into with raising and training and all.

Yeah, I'm the Lord of the Geeks. Deal with it.

Captain's log, stardate 3.1415926535....

It's Thursday. Finally. Got one of my papers done today, the big one. Well, it didn't have to be huge but it was suggested that more effort would get a better grade... so I wrote eight pages. I have a much easier four-page paper that's due tomorrow but I'm trying to put it off since I dislike working this much.

Have decided to add Arcanine to my SoulSilver team, which shall require some trading of eggs or something to that effect. My final choice is down to either Ambipom or Yanmega- so a purple monkey or a giant dragonfly. Kind of a toss-up, I'm leaning somewhat toward the monkey.

Spent most of the day in the theatre today. It was mostly a blah kind of day. Didn't see a whole lot of other people though, either they were all busy or they didn't want to talk to me, or something. Hopefully tomorrow's business will keep me occupied so I don't get all melancholy. It is the last day before break, after all.

While I'm thinking of it, thanks to the couple of you who replied over the last week or so. Sorry I didn't reply directly. Things have been... difficult, as you may have imagined.

Talked to her, just a tiny little bit today. Glad for that much, at least. She doesn't hate me, at least I don't think she does... still holding on to hope. There's just something about her that makes me feel so much of everything, of things I don't even have words for, and I look at her and she's just amazingly beautiful and... I don't know, really. I can't explain it, which bothers me since normally I have more of a vocabulary than most. Hopefully I will figure this out sooner or later. I should try to talk to one of my friends about this, perhaps they will understand? I don't want to lose her due to my own incompetence in this area... I have to show her the good in me, get her to see the things other people seem to see. I just need help on the "how" part of the equation.

Maybe if I put as much effort into schoolwork as I did this blog I'd be done with this assignment by now...

Well, darn. *vent kick*

Today things fell apart a bit, unfortunately...

Improv show... I don't feel it went that well. I think I kinda did poorly this time around... mostly 'cause I really just wanted that one person to laugh and I didn't really hear her. Am I that unfunny or was I just not paying enough attention? She said "good job" to me as I was leaving but I think one of her friends told her to say that to me.

If this doesn't work out with her I think I may just give up on interpersonal relationships altogether. I don't know if I really want to deal with this kind of emotional conflict anymore. But on the other hand, I really want to keep trying. What's wrong with me all of a sudden? Please don't let this feeling stay too long. It always strikes at the least helpful times...

No. Not here. Not now.

Not giving up. Not yet.

In happier news, almost have my SoulSilver team worked out (mostly without that poll, very few people voted, unfortunately). So far it's Feraligatr/Farfetch'd/Hitmonchan/Sunflora. Yes, Sunflora. I'm going to take the evolved form of the weakest Pokemon in the game and try to make it work. I could use the challenge. Too bad I probably won't get SoulSilver for a while.

Still need to get those last two figured out. Hmm... what could I use...

Harry Potter and the Laptop of Doom

My computer is cranky today, so I had to sojourn down to one of the labs to use a Scholte computer. Fantastic. I hope my laptop won't be like that for long...

Today was my birthday, and a surprisingly good one at that. Especially all the birthday wishes, how'd you all remember? But there was one that meant the most, of course it was from her... and I hadn't even mentioned it. That pretty much made my day and half of tomorrow right there.

A group of us went to Smokey Row for ice cream later in the evening, not as good as Applebee's or something but it's arguably the first and only birthday party I've ever had so it was good. I missed rehearsal for it, but eh, it's one day of the year that I have for me, I think I can take priority in my own life just once.

Went to fringe festival today. Was pretty good stuff. Improv show tomorrow, I'll have to dress up for that one. I don't have to, I just like to.

Found out a girl I used to (keywords "used to") like is dating a golfer. Wow, so soon after the Tiger Woods scandal? Good luck with that, kid, you know golfers always want 18 holes.

...did I seriously just say that? Wow. Bad Troy.

I need spring break to come, seriously. So tired... culture trip is in April, I think? Looking forward to that, too. A lot of things to look forward to, I hope. Which, yes, does include a certain new Pokemon game coming out. I've been thinking about my team for SoulSilver, having decided on HeartGold's team already, and I decided I need some help with the second version's team. Feel free to express your opinions and vote at this poll in order to help me decide, 'cause I certainly can't.

Hrm, what else to say? It was a good birthday. And I completed my Diamond Dex a little bit more- a little earlier than expected. And I got to spend some time around an absolutely brilliant group of people and a girl who's as wonderful as anything I can think of. I'm glad nobody asked me if I got what I wanted for my birthday... what I really want isn't something that can be wrapped up and have a bow put on it. Well, you could but that'd be weird.

These kinds of random thoughts indicate I should probably be hitting bed about now. G'night.

Ears, yes! Eyes, two! Nose, I've had worse. Chin- blimey! Hair... I'm a girl!

No. No, I'm not a girl- and still not ginger!

Eh-heh... sorry there. Just been feeling so good lately that it's almost like the personality change that comes from a regeneration. Or something like that. Either way, a big step has been taken and I feel good.

The sheer amount of spare time I have is a little daunting, though. I did so much with my two DSes today that I may actually end up ahead of schedule tomorrow. Thank goodness it's only a few more days til I get HeartGold, then I'll have hours of fresh entertainment. Need to figure what my SoulSilver team will be though, I thought I had it and now with my second DS and the Pokewalker I have no idea for sure what I'll go with other than Feraligatr and Farfetch'd. I kinda want to use Tangela and Kangaskhan, which are usually late-game, but now I could get them from the walker or breed and trade eggs... I have so many options. This will be interesting...

Although I'm not in the Moliere play that's coming up later this semester I'll be working on the crew, most likely. I'm hoping to be on the light board or some such job. I'd like to see things from a different perspective for once- who knows, I might just have some fun with this!

Improv show Wednesday. Not in so many games this time, for better or for worse- on the one hand I don't do as much, on the other hand I have to do my best for sure on the fewer games I'm in. Not as many chances to get big laughs. I get to do the Superheroes game though, that should be fun. And also Party Quirks as the host, I'm pretty good at that. 'Tis a shame we're doing "movie titles" instead of song titles for the one game... they probably did since I was the only one who was actually any good at it. There's way more song titles than movie titles, it seems easier the original way to me.

Still have an hour and a half until I have to go to rehearsal. This week is gonna kill me in some way or another. At least work study has to be shoved out of the way for it...

Believe it or not, it's just me!

I have never seen "The Greatest American Hero" but I love its theme song.

Urinetown is over, and the last performance went extremely well. My parents were there last night, and I spent the night staying with them. Today we went out to celebrate my birthday a little earlier than usual, but I'm glad I got to see them at all.

I got another DS for my birthday, one of the cobalt-colored (I like to think it's TARDIS-colored) DS Lites. Now I can trade with myself between Pokemon games, heh. I may have to rethink my SoulSilver team, perhaps I'll trade over some eggs from Diamond or HeartGold or something. Speaking of HeartGold, another of my gifts was finding out my parents reserved a copy of it, along with them giving me the preorder bonus figure. It's quite nice, the picture on the packaging doesn't do the actual figure justice.

Otherwise the weekend wasn't too exciting... went to Okoboji Grill in Des Moines for lunch though. Also got the first Matt Smith era Doctor Who Magazine today. Can't wait for Easter...!

I still feel excellent today. I think this is the start of a new era for me. Thank goodness. At least I didn't have to change my face, that'd be awkward.

On the moon, our area codes will BLOW YOUR EFFING MIND

Don't call us, we'll call you... from space!

Anyway, I think I have had an epiphany. I was in the shower, and got to thinking... what's really that bad about me? I mean, really, is there something not to like? Because I was there, in the shower, looking at the water drip off my hands and I realized I've been down on myself for so long, thinking I wasn't good enough... what about me isn't good enough?

I'm clever.

I'm funny.

I'm smart.

I'm a morally strong and kind person.

I respect women for more than their physical attributes.

I'm pretty darned good at acting and improv. And a lot of other things I haven't yet thought of.

So what about me wasn't good enough? What did I think was wrong with me? If I looked, I couldn't find anything! Maybe all these years I've been thinking something was wrong with me when maybe there was something wrong with the people who put me down in the first place! Maybe, just maybe, I'm a pretty cool guy after all.

It's time I finally pushed back. There's nothing that can stop me other than myself- I've been my own worst obstacle all this time. Why I've suddenly gotten it here and now, I don't know why, or how... but I do know that I am going to fight against this, against all these years of self-doubt, depression, and feelings of inadequacy...

AND I'M GONNA WIN!!!

Oh, what a night

I got back late, went to the Sports Page with some of the others after the musical. Probably for the best, was feeling a little down. Well, more than a little. Dunno what's wrong with me, my self-esteem's been so low lately... I've been feeling like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. Why do I feel like this? Wish it'd stop.

The third performance was good, I suppose, but we had a different pianist who kinda screwed things up, honestly. But that was in the first act, Act 2 went off without a hitch, to be fair.

My mystery illness has been harassing me in the form of sneezes today. And a lot of them. Thankfully not onstage (one almost got me but I held it back in time). And of course my voice doesn't work for singing until after the show ended. Ugh.

Given that this is Saturday right now, my birthday is in three days. Still not looking forward to being older.

I need to find more ways to be positive. Self-esteem needs work, but I've never really had any so I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep feeling like this. I wonder if it's a cycle where people avoid me because I'm depressed and I think they hate me in the first place and so it's a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy?

Karma had better exist, because if this is all I get without some big payoff later on I'll be really ticked.

I want to be the very best, like no one ever was...

To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause...

Oh, hey there. Sorry about that, getting more and more excited for HGSS's release date. How nerdy am I? Still not enough, probably. I'm even excited about the PokeWalker (which is basically a pedometer with connectivity to the game. Yeah, it's that awesome). Take a look if you haven't already, seriously. This is some awesome stuff going down...

Okay, you're back from looking? I know, awesome, right? Great, come March 15 I'll see you in Johto.

Recently my iPod has been displaying an odd tendency to automatically go into shuffle mode of its own accord, even when I repeatedly switch shuffle off or am already in shuffle (which causes the shuffle to start over again from a different song). This is pretty annoying as it is, but I'm also increasingly scared that my iPod is waiting for me to let down my guard so it can Rickroll me.

You know one thing that's been bugging me for a while? People who like their own Facebook statuses. Look, if you're not posting something angry or depressed, I'm going to assume you like it. You look pretentious, people. Especially you who keeps liking your own status every friggin' time you're watching one of your favorite TV shows. CUT THAT CRAP OUT.

...ahem.

Yeah, another successful run of the show tonight, pretty pleased with it. The audience was much more receptive and unafraid to laugh tonight, I think. I definitely feel happier with it than I did last night. I got free snack foods too. My fridge now has Hostess stuff stocked up. I had a really weird Urinetown-related dream last night, kinda forgot most of it but I'm pretty sure we were all Pokemon trainers and Bobby lived. I had a Rotom, and it was awesome. Yes, this is the kind of thing I dream about. One of the perks of being me.

I've completely forgotten to mention I'll be in one of the short performances that Directing II students are, well, directing. It's going pretty well, it'll show after spring break so I'll try to remember to post when it is.

Hmm, just ran out of cookies. Have to remind Mom to make more before she visits.

Good night, all.

"Hey, Pegasus, remember when I said I was going to kill you last?"

...I lied! Um, about not posting again today. I'm here way earlier than I expected and not really tired at all. This pleases but surprises me. I have a little homework to do but it won't take long- this week's coasting on the downhill side now. Should be pretty easy from here on out.

I'm not pleased with the way my religion essay turned out, but frankly as long as I pass the class I'm not really concerned either way. It's just another thing to hate about Mondays. And, um, Wednesdays and Fridays. Actually, I don't hate a lot about those days. It's really just that class that annoys me.

Which reminds me, speaking of classes on those days, I had another Logic test today. It either went spectacularly well or spectacularly bad, I'm not sure yet. At first I had a little trouble with the test after the first section, but I did a little doodling on the scratch paper, pulled myself together, and managed to have somehow logicked myself through it. I think. The last page threw me for a loop though, were those answers all supposed to be C's and D's?

I found out today that the girl from the musical likes another guy. I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I would be, but still... apparently this other guy hasn't the best of reputations, so it probably won't work? I think? I dunno... does it make me a bad person to hope that that particular pairing fails so that I have a chance with her? It's just... I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy for once. I don't want to be alone, not anymore. With all I've been through, all I've faced, I think I've earned a chance for once in my life. Even if I have to defy the universe and tear apart fate with my own hands, I don't care, I just want to not feel so alone anymore. It took me too long to realize how much I needed other people. I can't fail anymore... I won't fail anymore!

Even when trapped by karma's cycle!
The dreams I left behind will open the door!
Even if the universe stands in my way...
My seething blood will determine what will be!
I'll break through time and space, and defy all who would stop me to grab hold of my own path!

JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!

Oh, there was cake again, after the musical, though.

...I think I'm bipolar.

The cake was not a lie

Early post today while I'm still in a mostly-awake state of mind. Urinetown gives its first performance tonight, I have a feeling I'll want to go to bed pretty soon after...

I find more and more than I really enjoy my Philosophy class. I don't know what it is about it, but the material is pretty engaging and the professor's a cool guy, so I've been finding it a good experience. Perhaps I might minor in Philosophy...? But I do love the theatre... perhaps I can double minor in the two, along with my English major? Can I do that? I've still got a whole year to decide.

Which reminds me, sophomores had to do Major Declaration Day yesterday. I snuck in close to the end and got as much of the free cake as I could. It was good cake.

Still have a sore throat today. It's annoying at worst, but I'd still rather go without it.

Also still have this religion paper to finish, but I only have a bit more to do. I just don't like the class, is all. Finish it and then be done with it, that's my hope- just get the credit and forget all about it...

Only about ten days to HeartGold/SoulSilver. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

If only they had lasers in the Patristic Period...

Last rehearsal was tonight. Lasted way too long. And I still have homework... great...

Not feeling well health-wise, my throat is sore and I've been a bit more tired than usual, nearly falling asleep in my British Lit class (managed to stay awake by doodling, which somehow works to focus my brain). I actually took a nap today. For Mr. Chronic Insomnia here, that's kinda scary. Wonder how I got sick in the first place?

On the plus side, I just have this blasted paper for my religion class to write and then it's pretty much clear sailing from here on out. The problem is that it's for a class that frankly bores me to tears...

Spring break isn't too long from now. I really want to go home, I miss it there. But there are things and people I'll miss here at college too, even if it's only a week. But on the other hand, there's that Minneapolis trip in April... gonna be great.

Birthday in a week. Feeling a bit old already. Heaven forbid I mature a little.

Turn around, bright eyes

I don't have much to say today.

Blarg.

I feel sad right now. I don't think it's easy to make people understand why. People haven't lived my life. I've been totally alone before, and they don't understand how it colors how you view the world, when you can see just how little you're really wanted or appreciated.

I hate being alone. But I don't know a whole lot else. I'd like to know what love and friendship are like. They sound like nice things.

Some days I wish there were an operation to remove the parts of my brain that feel emotion.

Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

EDIT: OK. Bit better now. Still not sure what to expect for the future.