Oh my lord, it's the Mewtwo entry.

That is to say, the 150th entry of my blog. After, y'know, a full year, and a bunch of hiatuses and all. But it's OK! We made it!

Since we're already on the topic of Pokemon, I've started working on my LeafGreen Nuzlocke again, since it's chronologically the one I should be working on in terms of the story I have planned. The first time I played through was on a VBA emulator (look, I own the actual game cartridge, didn't want to erase the file I had, and didn't want to buy ANOTHER one), and got through the game only for VBA's sucky save system causing me to not be able to do the postgame. Trying to fix this only made me lose the file altogether (rather frustrating, since I had TWO SHINY POKEMON), so I got the no$GBA instead, which works much better. I'm about... halfway through? My computer ran out of power at the Chicago airport on the way home, and even though I had finished saving, it didn't take and my file was reset back to before I took on Celadon's gym. Which caused me to lose ANOTHER SHINY POKEMON. Gahhhhhh. Good thing I've got one each in Black and White, but STILL.

I have three of the members I took to the Elite Four the first time around, the others I can't get quite yet. I plan to recatch them all, make the team better than ever, and make an even more spectacular E4 run. The first time through I lost but one, and in the champion battle at that. This time you WILL survive, Ivan.

Got to spend some time with the tablet my parents got me, and with Photoshop. I think I will be able to use this quite effectively. I'm not a fantastic artist yet, but I'm getting better. That's what practice is for, after all. Trying to find a good style for me is tough, but I'm experimenting.

Before I decided to replay LeafGreen I started Emerald. I'm about halfway there as well, I'm going to grind a LOT so I can beat Norman without any losses. He's difficult in a normal playthrough as it is, and in Nuzlocke where fainting=death, I need to be as strong as possible to avoid losing any of my bros. I have four or five I want to take all the way already, and if I get past this obstacle I think I can do it.

After both of THOSE are done, I will do HeartGold. I don't know what to expect from that yet, if I level grind it shouldn't be too hard... but you never know.




In other news, I may or may not have fallen for a girl who I've only talked to on the internet a few times, has a scarily uncanny ability to think the same thought as me at the same time, lives in the UK, and is already taken.

Is there a support group for hopeless romantics like me? I'd love to go to one of those. It'd be nice.

Sayonara, London

Well, not quite yet. Still a day left before leaving for home Saturday. Still, I doubt I'll post much before then, what with my irregular schedule and all...

Right now the other students are having a farewell reception down in the kitchen. I was there briefly to get some cake and our "yearbooks" (which as always have about two photos of me), and then I went back up to my room where I'm writing this.

So... yeah. Honestly I don't feel like part of the group. Haven't since I got here back in January.

Honestly, the people here make me feel unwelcome and unwanted. Most people never made an effort to even talk to me, and when I tried to reach out I was ignored. Occasionally people invited me places... only to pay attention to their friends and completely ignore me. So I don't think I ever really fit in here. And I'm fine with that, really, I am. Because, I'm going to be honest now, I didn't ever expect to fit in as part of the group. I did not expect to be accepted and make a lot of friends. That's not how it works for me, I don't get to make a lot of friends period, and I suspected from the start that as soon as this is over and we go home, none of these people are going to talk to or think about me ever again.

And I'm fine with that. Really, I am. I'm starting to get sick of people who refuse to even show a little consideration from the moment they meet me, and the few people I did know from Central are horrible enough to me that I just explained that I didn't know anyone here. But after a long time to dwell on it, I decided that I'm not going to blame myself anymore for people being unkind to me. That's their problem, their loss. I have plenty of people who genuinely like and care about me back home, and I look forward to seeing them again.

I liked London, don't get me wrong. I just don't really feel that close to the people I had to share it with. People I knew who treated me like crap, people who were rude and dismissive, and girls who can't look past outer appearances and see that maybe there's someone right there worth taking a chance on.

If I was a worse person, I would not even attempt to be civil. Many of the people here aren't worth it. A very few actually made a small attempt to get to know me, but... too little too late, perhaps. I don't know.

I'm ready to go home and see the people who care again.

Just who... aw, you know the rest

So yeah, I guess Kamina really was Jesus. Or vice versa.

Either way, it turns out there's always a point when I stop being depressed and basically start shouting "COME AT ME BRO" at the universe.


JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!

Because we all need a little rant now and then

Time for a rant about something that eternally (and extremely) pisses me off.

Why, exactly, do girls endorse the bad relationships that their friends get into?

Like, seriously, I can talk about this from loads of experience. Half the girls I've liked decide that no, they'd rather date some abusive jerk who thinks of them as an object than a person. I've seen it happen. I see the whole thing kick off and then it all ends in tears as the girl cries that all men are terrible, at least the rich attractive ones because they're the only ones that matter and the rest of us aren't actually "people."

So why, when it's incredibly obvious that a guy is a douche, do their friends not tell them "hey, this guy seems like a jerk, maybe you should reconsider"? Are they all that blind?

Seriously, let me ask you a question. Actually, it'll be a few questions, but you owe it to me to give me an actual answer rather than blowing me off like you and everyone else normally do.

First of all, what the hell kind of reason is "well, he got there first!" So what? SO FREAKING WHAT. Do you know how annoying it is when people on the web comment "first!" and nothing else? Yeah, it's like that. That doesn't mean anything special, particularly when the guy who got there first is pretty clearly a grade-A asshole. Yeah, I'm swearing now. I don't really care, because I'm angry and depressed and after 20 years' worth of taking crap like this from the world I've earned the right to speak my mind.

Question number two, what is so great about these guys that makes them so much better than me? I keep hearing "oh, you're a really nice and funny guy! You'll find someone who likes you!" Yeah, except for the fact that I still haven't, and you're saying that to me whilst pushing the girls that I like toward these jerks. Do you know what that says to me? That says you're a hypocrite. That also speaks a great deal toward what you think of my intelligence!

Third, and here's the kicker, did you ever think that maybe he already had a chance?! I got ONE. ONE CHANCE AND BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO DON'T RESPECT ME I BLEW IT. In case you hadn't noticed, this was my one chance to make an attempt here, and since we go to different schools in different states I won't ever see her again. Don't tell me that's not true, you know it is. People who live near me don't talk to me anymore because they forgot or thought I wasn't worth it. I'm willing to bet you won't ever think about me after this trip either, none of you will. It's not like it's anything new.

Just... don't even think about giving me that "oh well, life isn't fair" bullshit. You honestly think I haven't heard that before? Trust me, I know that better than just about anyone, certainly better than you do. I was ten years old the first time someone tried to kill me. THE FIRST TIME. They tried to strangle me with a costume piece for a class play we were in.

I don't get you people. You don't seem to value the things that matter in life. If somebody gave me a chance I could show how much I would value and appreciate them. But you don't seem to care about that, only the shallow things like looks and money. And since I'm average at best in those areas I'm just not good enough, am I? Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes. Think about how it would feel to be alone like this, and want to matter in just one person's life, but they always reject you for reasons you don't really understand. And then, some people act like they want you to feel better, but it seems more like they're just trying to blow you off because they don't really care and don't want to deal with you.

I've been getting that vibe from people for as long as I can remember.

Yes, I'm angry right now. I'm angry at you, angry at them, angry at the whole damn world, and angry at myself, especially, because I want to be better for everyone else but I can't figure out how.

So you want me to stop being angry? To stop being depressed? Then I dare you, I challenge you, to do something that, to my memory, no one else has ever done.

Stop, take some time to look at this situation, see where things are so painfully, obviously wrong that you've all overlooked. It's simpler than it sounds. Sometimes things that happen are just plain wrong, but if you know what they are than you can make an effort to change them from becoming that way. Do what nobody else has and actually help me. Do it. Prove that you care. People tell me "that's just the way it is" and act like I can't do anything about it, but that's not true. I can make things right- I just can't do it alone. Because everyone refuses to acknowledge that maybe I deserve to be happy and just expects things to get better, and think I should just feel better without any effort to make that change. But you who are reading this can change that- life isn't decided for you. Things aren't "meant to be" or any metaphysical crap like that. You all know that I'm not a bad person. I deserve good things in my life just like anyone else. I'm getting close to the point of not believing in anyone enough to think any of you could help make that big of a change in my life, but I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Please, I genuinely ask it.

Dare to be brilliant.

Starry starry night

...I feel horrible again.

I still have feelings for someone who will almost certainly hate me if she doesn't already. Same girl, yes. Not that it matters. It's never the person, it's always the result.

Somebody told me that maybe all the girls who hate me are just shallow. But they're wrong.

The problem is with me. Always has been. It's not something that can be fixed or changed, the problem is that I am me. If I were anybody else things would be OK.

So I'm pushing my luck just one more time. This is my ultimatum to the universe. This is my last attempt to find anyone. Ever. I'm not trying again after this. I lose out on her, I will accept once and for all that I am meant to be alone. I will never try again, never attempt to open up to anyone again. I will go through life alone, and at least know that is how things are supposed to be.

I've had enough failures, okay? I'm so, so tired of it. I feel incredibly old and worthless and unwanted. It's just about broken me. One more failure and I'm done with it. I know I've run out of chances.

Don't tell me "it'll get better, just wait!" NO. That is one of the most idiotic things you can ever say to anyone, especially to me. Things have NEVER gotten better for me, not in years. Only worse. I have long since earned the right to be happy when I want to be, but I can't be. The rest of the world won't let me. I turn 20 in less than a week. I have no relationship experience, no knowledge of love or romance besides the unrequited kind. It's too late for things to change.

It's all up to one last go. Either something finally goes right for me or I accept that nothing ever will. We'll see what happens.

I don't think I want to do this anymore.

My heart's been broken again.

Should have seen this coming.

Course she'd rather have somebody else, if I'm the other option they always go for the alternative.

Don't know why there was a part of me stupid enough to believe I had a chance.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Just another case of me not being good enough.

Maybe I never will be. Maybe this is it.

I can't win, can I?

I'm sick of trying to open up to people who don't value me.

Unwanted. Unappreciated. Don't tell me things will "get better". Right now I'm living in hell. Right now I feel worthless.

The people I care about are always the ones who make me feel worthless.

I wish I didn't have to feel anything anymore.

I don't want to love anyone. Not if this is the cost.

Starting to think I was born to be alone after all.

Some things can't be changed. Sometimes the closest ones will always hate you.

I wish I could start over. Forget everything. Forget all this loneliness and heartbreak. But then it would just happen again.

Don't tell me something good will happen and it will all be worth it.

People better than me die alone.

Most people are better than me.

Right now I am staring my inability to do anything right in the face.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to die alone.

But I'm so afraid I will.

I lose everyone who matters. Eventually I always do.

The only constants in my life are the people who brought me into this world.

When they are gone, I will have no one, because everyone else will have left.

And then everything, ever, I have done will be pointless.

It hurts. So so so so so so much.

And it doesn't stop.

Because even when I don't let on, my heart breaks a little bit more every day.

OK, now where do I land...?

LONDON CONTINUES. As it tends to.

Took a day trip to Cambridge on Friday, one of the pre-scheduled group events. Long train ride, but I had my iPod... actually had to stand due to lack of seats on the way back, but some other people and I eventually sat on the floor. And they helped me up when my leg fell asleep and I couldn't get up. Occasionally, people here are very nice indeed.

Cambridge is an old college town, and quite a nice one. Lots of magnificent old churches, a great museuem I wished I could visit more (we decided to leave right as we were going through the medieval weaponry exhibit. I got stuck with a group of Philistines). Uh... the Eagle, the pub where Watson and Crick announced their DNA-related discoveries, is in Cambridge. There's a plaque and everything, ate lunch there too. And it was good.

Most of it was walking, so not much to say there.

Tomorrow they take us for Indian food. Never had it before, not sure what to expect. Free unlimited soda, though, I'm down with that. I haven't had enough of it.

Did laundry and grocery shopping on my own. Somehow. Took forever to find the lunchmeat though, especially since I passed by it on the way in then couldn't find it again. But ultimately a success. Since food is so different here I try to experiment with different things and see what I like... the cheaper stuff works pretty well so I won't bother spending lots, but the bread I got was hard, unlike the deli sandwich bun I was expecting. Have to adapt there. Also I haven't gotten veggies yet, planning to do that once I figure out the basic things.

Sheesh, it's like I'm a real adult or something.

Have I mentioned how warm my room is? It's almost boiling, and I never close the window. It is ALWAYS. FREAKING. HOT. I want a cold room so I can bundle in under the covers and sleep soundly. But nope, I get my own little corner of the Sahara.

Really, though, I'm loving it here. It's a lot of fun.

Do not want to talk about girl issues. But I have to write it here because keeping it bottled up is a silly and harmful idea. The only person I've directly mentioned it to isn't here and is probably the person I can trust most anyway. so...

Yes. I met a girl. I was trying to avoid this kind of thing, but... look, I just wanted to focus on London. Not think about this kind of thing and just have fun. Really should have seen this coming, frankly. The thing that I'm worried about is that after the disasters that have been my last few attempts at finding a lady, I've gotten Genre Savvy enough to foresee where this is gonna go beforehand. Yeah, I actually smartened up. Go me!

This one, though, is actually different from my usual type. She's not sweet or innocent- she's sarcastic, witty, clever... not angelically waiflike or pretty. She's attractive, but also like any regular person you meet on the street. I think she's an English major. She's very short but with a lot of spunk and energy. When I was a kid reading Harry Potter, back in those days before we had movies to tell us how to visualize things, my perception of Hermione was a lot what she looks like.

My head tells me to just ride it out for a few months- she's from Illinois and odds are after this trip abroad I'll never see her again. My heart tells me I hate missed opportunities. The me that believes in myself is conspicuously silent on this subject.

I have no intention of talking it out with someone unless they force me to do so. But I had to write this because I know I tend to go mad when I suppress things like this.

...I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't entirely know if that's bad or not.