Never give up, never surrender

Well, at least I hope I don't.

Today was a tougher day than usual. It doesn't help when after the show you hang out with some friends, and end up going to the local sports grill/bar and OH HEY GUESS WHO'S THERE IT'S THE GIRL YOU LIKE. Thankfully that other guy wasn't there too, else I probably would have left. Or hit him. Or cried. Perhaps some combination.

It's always getting harder to just tough this out.

I'm going to keep going, but...

What if this lasts a long time? What if they don't ever break up? What if they do and she still doesn't want me anyway?

I don't want to try to find someone else. Why is it that I always have to give up the things I want? Why is that fair? Everyone that matters seems to leave, or die, or end up hating me. How long and how far am I going to be tested? What's the point of it if there's nothing good at the end, and I'm still alone?

I HATE it when people tell me "oh, you'll find someone someday!" for two reasons:

1) You do not know that. Many, many people die alone. Exactly what proof do we have so far that I'm not going to be the same?
2) I already have found someone. She just wants somebody else.

Isn't getting what I want just once something I deserve? Why don't I get a chance to be with who I want? What possible use is telling me "oh, just stay unhappy for a few more years, or a LOT more years, for something that's still just a maybe." It feels like it's just wasted effort when things fall apart. When I care so much about someone to whom I don't even exist.

Why can't they ever see me the way other people see me? Why is it always them who think I'm a hideous freak?

If there isn't her, then I think there's nobody.

At least I got a hug today. And friendly arm squeezes. It's nice to know people care, even if only in a platonic way. It's better than what I'm used to.

I wish I had someone who would just follow me around and constantly hug me. It'd be nice.

So for now, I just keep going and going, each second and minute further behind me as time goes by. One way or another, it's the last time I'm going to have to do this. Either I succeed, or I never try again. Because all I've gotten is pain for what I've given, and nothing good in return.

If there's a God, I wonder what his plan for me is. And why it requires me to be so lonely for so many years. If it has to be like this for the rest of time, I'd rather not have been born.

Hugs. They are made of win

Seriously, they are. I haven't a lot to talk about today, mostly uneventful Thursday.

So... second performance went great, I enjoyed it and I think I am still a good board op. Heck, I'm even pretty fast at sound cue, which is basically going through all the cues at high speed before the show to make sure everything is working. There's actually a lot of shifting of stuff when you do it that fast, sometimes I have to get five sliders moved within a second when we do that. Normally I have lots of time between cues, so it's good practice either way.

After the show there was a nice reception party for everyone involved in the last few shows. There was cake. It was nice. I didn't stay in there long, though... 'cause she was in there with him. And they were standing off in a corner, whispering and giggling and touching, and I just left while I still had control over how I felt.

So I was there eating my cake out in the lobby, and one of my best college friends is out there too, asking why I'm eating there. "So I don't get unnecessarily angry," I replied. He understood right away. Which is why we're friends. And then not too long after I got hugs from people who both do and don't know about this situation. Sometimes I just need the touch of another human being to remind me someone cares. And it helped. A lot. I remember going long periods of time with little human contact at all- verbal, physical, or otherwise. No wonder I've felt so cut off at times, right?

And then, having finished my cake and taken care of things, I decided to leave, and ran into my friend again just as he was coming back to the theater (he'd left temporarily for something, and I was leaving at just the same time as he returned). And I told him: that little action meant a lot to me.

"If it helps I'm glad to do it," he said, and I got another hug. He went back in and I left. I stopped at the bell statue near the pond, suddenly having an idea. I climbed on top of it and, thinking for a moment, unleashed a dramatic, Gurren Lagann-worthy speech declaring my intention to defy the universe and choose the fate that I determined with my own heart. And I made it my Facebook status. I am not sad or depressed right now.

I am determined.

Determined to keep fighting and keep my head up.

Determined to not give up on the girl I have feelings for.

Determined to do things right.

I am not a quitter. I am not a bad person. Nor am I ugly, stupid, worthless, emotionally stunted, untalented, or futureless. Never have been, never will be.

I have people who care about me and believe in me. The me that they believe in... the Troy that I believe in... isn't done. Not by a long shot. NOT EVER.

For the person I'm becoming, the person I'm supposed to be, this is not a hard thing to do. To keep going is part of my nature.

I've found the reason why, and I just know it's here to stay: I was born into this world so I could cherish every day...

Do the impossible, see the invisible... touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable...

Something is changing, and it's different than what I've felt before.

For about ten days now, I've felt good, I've felt confident, I've felt... I dunno what else to call it. That's a pretty long string for me.

And I have a feeling it's not going to end anytime soon.

This is... well, it's excellent. Brilliant! I've made actual progress. I feel good about my life, about being alive, and that's a good thing. But it's almost like the Troy I used to be is starting to disappear and somebody new is taking that place. And I'm still that somebody new.

I mean... it's hard to explain. I'm glad, but it's kind of like losing something. Everything is good, there's nothing wrong, I just feel... weird. I haven't got the words for it. I'm looking forward to the future. I feel like I can roll with the punches. I'm starting to like myself. I wonder how this happened? And why now? Why is it that after falling pretty hard I managed to have pulled myself up this high?

Maybe I shouldn't question it. If I do I'm afraid I'll stop flying and start falling again. I can't go back there. I won't go back there. I refuse to.

I've been enjoying life, talking to people- even people I don't know!- making new friends, experiencing some new things... I feel alive. There's so much out there waiting for me. And yet there's still one thing I'm waiting for.

I find it impossible to get over her. Her eyes, her hair, her laugh... everything about her makes me smile without thinking about it. Maybe I've put her on a pedestal, and maybe that's bad, but I can't help it. In my mind, she's almost perfect, and I will put anything else aside if it means getting her. And now I feel like I can, as long as I hold out the rest of this year and don't rush things in the next.

Sometimes I wonder if she reads this blog. I want her to see, I need her to see how brightly I can shine. Are you reading this right now? I need you to know, somehow, that you mean a lot to me. I can't explain how or why, and I think that would ruin it if I did. But please, give me a chance. So many people gave up on me, underestimated me, thought I wasn't good enough... and they were wrong. Don't be like them, I'm begging you. I'm not saying marry me or anything like that, but at least be my friend and give yourself time to know me before you decide that's all you want. And even if we go our separate ways, know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you. I'm there for you should you ever need someone. Even if I have to do it in a way that you'll never know it, I would do just about anything for you. Not just because of the feelings I have for you, but because I respect and admire you greatly. And because you're my friend, even if you don't think of me as one.

Take a leap of faith. Trust me. What do you have to lose?

So, in other news, I've been eating Subway a lot lately. Tonight's entry was almost titled "I didn't even KNOW Subway made cinnamon rolls."

They do, by the way. They're pretty good.

There's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart

If you value your continued existence.

If you have any plans about seeing tomorrow...

There's one thing you never, ever put in a trap.

ME.

So yeah, I watched "The Time of Angels" today and it was another great Steven Moffat episode, and a good beginning to the two-parter. Basically Moffat takes his two most recent pre-head-writer-era, mashes them together into a great big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff, and cranks the awesome and scary up to eleven.

So basically what happens is the Doctor is going around a museum with Amy, laughing at all they've gotten wrong and noting the stuff he's involved with. He finds a spaceship's "black box" and explains to Amy that there's a message in old High Gallifreyan written on it.

It is the best coded message ever.

AND THEN CRAP GETS REAL.

I don't want to take up the whole post going over the episode, but let's just say that it is scary, funny, and there is a bit when the Doctor has to snap Amy out of an illusion, so he bites her hand. Apparently Matt Smith actually bit Karen Gillan.

Dear lord, what I wouldn't give to bite Hottie McHotScot. I mean Miss Gillan. Who is hot. And Scottish. The point is that Matt Smith is awesome both as the Doctor and in real life. And that Karen Gillan is freaking gorgeous, which is arguably the point to everything ever.

It's also only a three-year age difference, so it could totally work out. Seriously!

Uh... did anything else happen today? Probably... I think... well, did the last dress rehearsal for "The Doctor in Spite of Himself," the show begins tomorrow. Sheesh. That happened pretty fast. I am still a good board operator, though, so all is well.

Prospective students visited Theater Central today. It was odd to be the college guy for once. And I'm pretty sure one of the female visitors had a thing for me. Of course she did. Look at me, I'm adorkable.

That's not a typo, just FYI. That K is meant to be there.

Oh, and we finished the filming for the film class stuff today. I did an awful lot of running. Which didn't really help the whole breathing situation, but I'm fine now. I'm starting to really enjoy acting even more than I thought I did before. Yeah, it's going to be my minor, but I could possibly do this professionally with more training... it was fun to do, though, which is my point.

I have noticed that in the past couple days I've started to notice other girls. Like... hmm, this is complicated to explain. But... in high school I was only really ever interested in one girl at a time. And now I find girls other than the one I truly want to be with attractive. I'd prefer to be without this complication, but... well, I'm only human, regrettably.

And why are they all current sophomores?! *sigh*... Maybe I am still a bit odder than human after all. Yay!

Sorry, my rhyme's gonna snatch your brain

...making it happen with the crazy rap skill... get ready to rumble, now is the time...

Oh, hi there. Just a little Gurren Lagann music for ya there. Which reminds me, I found an awesome English fandub of the opening theme. Enjoy it here.

Did I mention about my writing to Aniplex and Syfy as part of the campaign to get the movies dubbed? I think I did. I really hope it works. Voice actors need to eat too.

Speaking of acting, did a little more filming for that film class group's project today. Good gravy, I am good at this, better than I thought, at least. Although trying to cry realistically can be rather difficult. Anyway, they finish tomorrow, so that's good, at least I'll have a bit more time the next few days.

It's pretty much a downhill coast to freedom after this week. To think that college is almost over already... well, one year of it, to be accurate. Eh, may still be single, but I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I'm... pretty glad I'm not still in high school. I don't think I'd have survived much more of it, as lonely as I felt there. And I wasn't able to get away from things for any time at all, whereas last week I had all that time to myself to actually work on the issues I'm having, and it WORKED. I guess everyone has times when they just need to be alone, even I who hates it the most.

I went to Subway this evening and the sandwich artist and I had a nice little conversation while she made my sandwich. She even stuck an extra cookie in my bag! It's a curious thing, life, where two random souls can meet and connect for just a little while. ...hmm, sandwiches making me wax philosophical. That's a new one.

Every so often I get a little surprised by how darn nice people can be without any prompting. In my religion class today, the prof made us pair up, which I always hate because I know everybody else has that one person they always pair up with, and I also tend to be the one guy left over. But a couple of girls adopted me into their group right away once they noticed and they were a joy to work with, as exhausted as I was during that 3:00 class. I added one as a friend on Facebook, she accepted right away. Happy day!

One small bad thing, though. I'm starting to fear that I may have asthma. Given all the walking that I do around campus, I'm now almost certain that I cannot be so out of shape that walking a few hundred feet between buildings would leave me breathless. Plus I've been sitting in classes and found it difficult to breathe. So far it's not too difficult to deal with, but I'd really rather be able to just walk around normally and stuff. I will probably see a doctor sometime after classes end for the summer, as long as it doesn't get worse.

Seriously, karma, you are shaping up to owe me one big time.

I HUNGER... for doughnuts

I'd like to start off with an observation I made the other day. Facebook has a lot of self-taken photos of girls in rather low-cut tops. The ironic part is how many of these girls identify as "conservative" on their profiles.

Ooh, I just went there. WHAT NOW?

Anyway, today I walked to Casey's and back in the rain. For doughnuts and soda. I would say it was totally worth it- I got one with so many almonds covering it that you can't even see the hole anymore. It's basically cake layer -> chocolate -> LOTS AND LOTS OF NUTS OH DEAR LORD THEY'RE EATING THE REST OF THE DOUGHNUT. Except then I ate it. Mwahaha.

You may be able to tell that I am still in a good mood. In fact, my parents told me as much when I talked to them today, Dad said I sounded rather upbeat. I'm happy people have noticed, and I'm happy that my work at the sound board, which I still enjoy doing after all of two days, is appreciated. Methinks this week will be pretty good as well.

I wish the weekend wouldn't end. Going back to class isn't the kind of thing I look forward to, mostly since I still have papers to do. As well as I've somehow managed to do in my religion class, I've put off doing the paper for it, which is due... a week from tomorrow, I think. So there will probably be some long days ahead, unfortunately.

I have a partner project in British Literature, but fortunately the partner I got paired with will be good to work with rather than a hindrance. Which is rare, normally I'd prefer to work alone or be in a large group, but I suppose when you're paired with a 23-year-old married woman you assume she'll be mature enough to contribute effectively.

Actually, I dunno if I've mentioned, but I'm the only guy in that class. Well, there's another dude, but he hardly shows up to class. And clearly I am the alpha male. Um. Not in that sense.

...incidentally, I found a ring outside my door today. It's a girl's ring, dunno where it came from. The last time I found jewelry near my room it disappeared after a few days, so for now I'm holding onto this until somebody makes a lost-and-found announcement. Otherwise I might keep it and call it my precious.

...scratch that last part. Otherwise I might keep it to one day give to someone special. Yeah. That's better.

...

...

IGNORE ME!

Raisin' da roof from da sound booth

Well, not at the moment, but I did earlier today. I am pretty good at this board op business, if I do say so myself. Which I do. ...because I just did.

...so yeah.

Hmm, not a whole lot to say today. I mean, y'know, Saturday, spent most of it in cue-to-cue, it was rainy, played a bit of Pokemon HeartGold... I have all the leader numbers except Falkner and Clair now. Tomorrow I will rematch Blue and it will be epic. Plus my whole team's hit the 60s level-wise, at long last, so we're getting closer to challenging Red, bit by bit.

I have an urge to draw but I'm not sure what. I think I will look up British clothing from the 1700s (is that Victorian era...? Georgian?), as I saw the movie Bright Star, about poet John Keats, in British Lit the other day and really took a liking to the costumes of that period. So I will dress one of the not-yet-drawn incarnations of my Time Lord self in something like that. But I have to be less lazy first...

Saw Revenge of the Sith for the first time in years tonight. It's amazing how much more critical of things I've gotten. I still love it, before you say anything.

I feel tired but good right now. This week can be marked a success, I believe.

Coldly calculated to pander to your screaming demographic

So. Watched a bit of Twilight's Rifftrax today. Very funny, I must say, and wish I had had it when I was forced to watch it that one time...

My week of self-impose (semi-)exile is just about up. Tomorrow I have to be in at 8:00 am to get ready, so I will make this quick. I did this week of taking myself back from other things in order to stop myself from going mad over the situation I've been in, as I have mentioned before. Now that my head is back in the right place, I've taken the time to reflect on what I was doing wrong, and in fact whether I still want to pursue this girl.

And...

Positively, absolutely, beyond a doubt, I'm still going after her. Even if it's a slow process that takes more than a year, I'm still going to try. Sorry, anonymous person who's been texting me, I know you'll be disappointed, but I have to go after what I want and do things right for once. I need to see this through to the end and that's a fact.

You see, this week, more than ever, I believed in the me that believes in myself. And I know that if I'm patient and do things right, I can win her over. It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself, like I'm not good enough for her... 'cause I am. I'm pretty awesome, frankly. She may be pretty amazing, but so am I. When they talk of a man who has looked into the pit of utter despair and come back alive... when they tell you about the man who bears life's pain yet has compassion and warmth for those lower than him... when they talk about the confident yet humble joker with boiling blood and those really cool glasses...

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME! THE MIGHTY KAMINA!

Er.

I mean... Troy. Troy Wilkins.

I could make shades like Kamina's if I wanted. Totally.

Look, the point is, I feel fantastic about life and myself and I am going to keep going for what I want.

Which reminds me, my application checklist for study abroad is now complete! It's all down to the judging now, but I KNOW I'll get in. London awaits!

Do you want love or you want fame? Are you in the game?

So after having to lipsync and dance to that song so much for the film class's project, it's kinda stuck in my head now. But it was a fun first day of filming, this will be pretty good, I think.

...crap, I didn't sign up for housing, I missed out on that. Ugh. Maybe they'll email me about it soon. Or they'll just put me somewhere. I hope I get a choice, they let me do that when I got my room to myself...

Speaking of things that were screwed up but hopefully work out, I checked my study abroad application, I only need one more evaluation done and then I just have to wait! Huzzah!

What else happened today? Hmm... not much... caught Mewtwo in HeartGold. Didn't even need the extra balls, got him in a Dusk Ball. The only one I had, too. Heh. Probably gonna go after Lugia sometime, but Saturday I have cue set for the show... hmm. Oh yeah, it's Saturday morning now instead of tomorrow afternoon, which means I don't miss class but have to wake up early. Decent trade-off, I guess.

And hello again, MYSTERY TEXTER (dear lord I love typing that). Nope, haven't given up yet. And thank you for the 11:00 message, it was unexpected but quite nice of you.

Drawing 4.0 as of today. He has a leather jacket and aviator goggles. And a necktie. I like what I'm drawing so far.

There's something else, something important.... I'm, I'm... BLOGGING!

Aaaaaaaaand then the Internet falls to Earth as I, hanging out the doors, nearly get gelded by Big Ben and then I crash in a kid's backyard. Um... or perhaps not.

While I'm still on the topic of Doctor Who (because I feeling quite random today), I finished 1.0 through 3.0 today. Well, except for Threep's shoes. I actually have to learn how to draw shoes. One guy will probably have boots, though. While pictures will one day go up on Facebook, or even on here if I figure that out, I can tell you now that 2.0 has a long dark coat, mostly black clothes, and unruly dark hair, along with being tall and kinda thin. As for 3.0, he is in fact short and a bit chubby, with curly hair, whilst wearing plaid-ish pants, suspenders, a bow tie, and a fedora. I have no idea where to go with 4.0, I had the idea of a medium-length brown coat, he might be the one with goggles. I intend to make 5.0 a redhead as a nod to the fact the Doctor still isn't ginger.

So, the sorta-break is going well, still. I doubt I'll actually be able to stay away from the theater that much- had to do sound-related stuff for Moliere both yesterday and today (wasn't there for long, and like I said: NINJA), and I'll have to go back Friday to start getting the cues and stuff down. Tomorrow I'm taking part in a short video made by a group from the film class. They have to adapt a scene from Romeo and Juliet in some such manner, and while I'm not entirely sure what it is they're doing yet (I have to learn to lipsync some songs), I am in fact Romeo. Oh ho ho. Hopefully it will be fun, I am looking forward to it.

As I mentioned yesterday, they aren't planning to dub the Gurren Lagann movies. However, at the behest of voice actor Kyle "Kamina" Hebert, who I have as a friend on Facebook, I've sent letters to both Aniplex and Syfy asking they work out a deal in order to make the dub possible. Normally I don't write letters to companies, but this is something that matters, so...

There was bingo in Scholte tonight. Except it was Sustainability Bingo, with techniques for going green as opposed to numbers. I actually won two rounds, and have a water filter and frisbee. I named them Steve and Ingo. Why not?

I wandered around Cerulean Cave in HeartGold today. Somehow made my way to Mewtwo without Flash or anything to light the way... the trouble now is catching him, I have like nine Ultra Balls and a few others that may or may not be useful. Heh. Perhaps I can cheese the Pokewalker's item-finding ability to stock up some more... which reminds me, I have a tendency to leave guys in the walker for long periods of time and build up epic wattage. Oh, and I found out you can get Rotom's alternate forms in Silph Co. It's awesome because I freaking love Mow Rotom.

And hello to you, MYSTERY TEXTER. (yes, I'm always typing that with caps and bold) If we ever meet, perhaps we could have a Pokemon battle. Or play card games on motorcycles. Although yes, I have to admit I am exceedingly curious, though I have been since the first message. And perhaps more importantly, exactly how and why you came to send me anonymous texts instead of, y'know, just saying something in person, but I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just an inquisitive person like this. I will say though, I do keep looking at people I see and wonder "is it her? Maybe it's her?" I'm presuming you're a she, at least. Are you a she?

...you're not my mom, are you?

I heard you like blogging, so I put a blog in your blog so you can blog while you blog

Hmm. Well... second day off from life's drama. Still working well.

I actually had to go to the theater just to take care of some sound-related stuff, but I was only there for like ten minutes. Plus I am a ninja. I was hardly noticed. I am pretty good like that.

I'm still feeling good. Hopefully once Friday rolls around I'll be in a place where the feeling will stick and I don't have to worry about falling back down like I did last week...

Got another message from the MYSTERY TEXTER again. It's OK that you were gone for a while. I'm glad you're back. Though a hint as to who you are would always be appreciated... are you someone on campus? Hmm...

I have a suspect or two in mind as to who has been sending me those nice little notes. I'm probably completely wrong, as so far all I have is circumstantial evidence based on coincidences (wait, is that redundant?)...

C'mon, a little hint? A first initial? Something?

Working on the "Regenerations" artwork stuff a little. I decided to make 2.0 wear dark but plain clothing with a long coat. Probably going to have longish dark hair, he is supposed to be the, well, dark one after all. 3.0 is kind of short and pudgy, as I mentioned, a more lighthearted one. Not sure of the others yet, should probably just finish these I've got right now. It's fun to be able to do this, though...

Tomorrow, I think, will be a mostly-working day. I slacked off a bit today, but I would have anyway, so... yeah. Not a whole lot to actually DO, just some poetry adaptation. And some reading. But it'll be easy. So there.

Earlier this month I was nominated for jury duty, which would have sucked, but I found out today I got a deferment, which means vacation is still on! Woohoo!

I have a new desktop. For once I have one with bright colors. Check it out here. Man, I love Gurren Lagann. Which reminds me, they're releasing the movies but they're not dubbing them. Bad move, Aniplex.

I need a break, I need a vacation

This morning, I woke up early, and I made a decision. The problem I've been having lately, or really the root of my problems, is that I let myself get into situations where things are liable to go wrong. And so, I decided that for at least this week, I'm going to remove myself from any potential situations.

As much as I dislike doing it, I'm minimizing communications unless necessary (or I really feel like it) and staying away from the theater and all the people and things in it. Although I have no problem with them, they all remind me of what I'm going through, and this week I'm putting my mind anywhere else. See, I've let things get way out of hand. I've gotten too emotionally dependent on the feelings of one person right now, and I've done some stupid things in the past week, so for a few days I'm just letting go of all that for a while. I'm just going to be me, no reliance or dependence on anyone else. I'm just going to put my efforts into other things and let my head clear, so I can get some proper perspective again.

It's been working pretty well... given that in high school, the most I could ever get away for was just two days on the weekend, well, this is an improvement already. I'm still going to class and stuff, but I just have a lot of time in between.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with all this free time I have. I've just been enjoying life for now. I have things to do that I haven't gotten around to yet- I haven't even touched my DS at all and I don't feel like I've been wasting time. I have ideas for things I want to draw and now I can actually sit down in a quiet room for a while and just do what I want to.

Well, mostly quiet. Some idiot has a radio in the bathroom and leaves it on full blast even when they're not in there. I had to go in an hour or so ago and I turned it down. It annoyed me, so I didn't really care what they thought. Next time it happens, though, I'm going to unplug it. Or take out the batteries, or whatever.

Ah yes, I did mention I was going to draw some things. I have two planned right now, and having actually sketched some stuff recently I feel the creative juices beginning to flow once more. My first piece will be a tribute to Gurren Lagann- there's a great scene that involves a hot-blooded speech being made, and then a volcano erupts behind them. They do it again in the second movie, but it's a universe-sized volcano. It makes sense in context. So anyway, I'm drawing the more action-oriented Graphing Mercury characters making an awesome pose in front of an exploding volcano.

My second planned thing will probably take longer- I've been thinking about the concept of regeneration in Doctor Who recently, and I wondered what it would be like if I were to regenerate. What kind of personality would I have? What would I look like, and what would I wear? So that's the idea- draw twelve other incarnations of myself. Draw on an aspect or two of my personality and create an entirely new me for each one. It'll be me in my favorite brown-and-green getup and twelve other guys. Who are also me. I'm first, of course. I thought about being the thirteenth, and then briefly just being a random number for the laughs, but nah, I'm number one.

So far I've decided to make Troy 2.0 (that's my numbering system, work with me here) the tall-dark-and-handsome type, wearing black or other dark colors, and Troy 3.0 is going to draw some inspiration from Jim Broadbent. It's a shame he wasn't in The Curse of Fatal Death that much... but yeah, a short, shy, slightly pudgy guy. I'm determined that at least one will have a scarf, and another shall have aviator goggles.

And of course, at some point, a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.


...yup, definitely a good plan. Better than I've felt in quite a few evenings...

Wherefore art thou Mr. Rogers?

I didn't post last night because I felt in too low of a mood to do so. Sorry if you were expecting something grand...

Although for the most part I had a good day seeing my parents, doing improv, and going to karaoke (Frank Sinatra and Elton John, that's how I roll), you can guess what is still bugging me...

I don't really want to talk about it now, I've said as much as I can without repeating myself. It just keeps hurting, and I don't think anyone understands quite how much.

Oh, mystery texter, wherever did you go off to? I could use your encouragement right about now. Did you abandon me or get distracted? Or did you just think I was doing fine? Sigh...

Got to see the Des Moines symphony orchestra play music from Shakespeare today, though. It was a nice trip up, I enjoyed it for the most part. Got to eat at a nice restaurant (and outdoors!) and had ice cream later. Ice cream is good stuff.

Also saw "Victory of the Daleks" and I LOVE THE NEW DALEKS. SO COLORFUL.

Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak!

So you may have guessed, but I'm in a bit of a Harry Potter mood. I drew stick-Voldemort today due to the awesomeness of his wand in the movie. Seriously, bone handle. That's some pretty hardcore stuff there.

I assume you'll be reading this right now, so to a certain someone who's been quite kind to me the last couple of days, thanks a bunch. I'll try not to bother you with the texting too much.

Creating a playlist to keep awesome has been working fairly well so far. I entitled it "Autobots ROCK OUT" for the fun factor, and for the TV Tropes reference. It's 80 songs of sheer manliness, willpower, and musical brilliance. I keep it on shuffle so I never know just what to expect.

Oh, by the way, I'm looking forward to the LEGO Harry Potter video game coming out in May. It looks to be great fun. In other gaming news, I finally dusted off HeartGold after playing so much Pearl and connected with my Pokewalker. I had over 2500 watts from the week or two I'd had a random Pikachu on it.

There's been a group that puts up hacked event Pokemon over Wifi, along with some other cool stuff that non-Pokemaniacs won't really get, but it hasn't worked for me yet. Central's Internet sucks.

Did you hear they're making Scribblenauts 2, by the way? Look it up, it's shaping up to be even better than the first.

Finally, to my mystery texter from ohdontforget.com, please send more messages. I kind of miss them now.

Drill. Heavens. PIERCE THEEEEMMMMM

So I've decided to recharge on awesomeness and self-esteem by watching some Gurren Lagann, which I really ought to do more often.

Today was a better day. I suppose I'm starting to heal a bit, and perhaps developing more hope for the future. Somebody has been sending me quite nice anonymous texts, I call them my stalker even though they haven't said anything strange or creepy in the slightest. They've just said rather kind things. And I appreciate it, though I wish they'd give me at least a clue as to who the heck they are...

So you know that friend that said she thought I didn't have a chance? It's because the girl just doesn't think of me that way- just as a friend right now. So yeah, it has nothing to do with me personally. Of course she doesn't think of me like that, she's going after a guy who's going to hurt her! She likes someone else and doesn't know WHAT she wants!

But this means things can change in the future. So like I said, just be her friend for now. That's the best I can do. (I mean jeez, you had me worried there, thought there was some horrible thing I'd overlooked, but you told me the obvious. C'mon now.)

I need to learn to be more confident, though. I... could use some help with that. People tell me I should be but they can't/won't tell me how. Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot.

Hmm... I still have part of a paper to write. I'm glad this week's almost over, it's been rough but we're through the worst of it now. I just have to... I dunno. I suppose things build up and we don't let them out in the best ways.

Improv show Saturday afternoon, and my parents will hopefully get to see it for once. I'm quite psyched to have them see me perform. Hopefully it will be a good performance...

My iPod has been dead for a few days. Nothing wrong with it, just forgot to recharge. Heh. My mistake. I think I will make a playlist of awesome music and play it all the time to keep my spirits up.

Blahdeblahdeblah

It's been a rather rough week. And it's only Wednesday. Urrgggggh.

So, today was her birthday. Which was nice, one of my friends insisted I call her (on the phone, natch, though I rather hate phone chat) to wish her happy birthday. It went OK, I guess. It was a short call, but I felt kinda stupid even though I tried to come off confident- which I'm not, of course.

The party was nice and all, pizza and cake, and I got to spend some time with her and talk to her, which is nice. Of course it is.

But then the guy she likes got there partway through, and she spent most of the time sitting on the couch with him... ARRRRRRRRRGH. I DO NOT LIKE THAT GUY. NOT ONE BIT. Seeing them together was... frustrating, to say the least. I couldn't stand it...

I'll be honest. I went back to the bathroom and took out my anger on the walls and doors.

...at least four times. So yeah.

My right hand is a bit banged up now, I kinda deserve it, I guess. It was selfish of me and I shouldn't have done it. It's not like I could've beat the crap out of the guy himself... OK, I could have, and I'm ashamed to admit there's more than a small part that wishes I had, but I knew that I shouldn't, but I had to let that out somehow. There should have been a better way... I suppose angry is better than depressed, but I'm still going through hell with this right now and the fact that I know and can see she likes someone else and he doesn't deserve her annoys me to no end. So what can I do?

I think for now I'll just try to be her friend. Try to put out of my head how much she means to me, though this will probably be impossible. Just be there for her if and hopefully when it ends with this jerk she's after now. Maybe one day it will finally work out for me. Try to deny this sinking feeling that I'm going to be alone no matter what I do.

It may be years and years before I find anyone, if ever. This had better be worth it for all the crap I'm going through.

Oh hey, one small piece of good news. I had a test on Monday I thought I did horribly on and I got a B-! Huzzah!

Title? What title?

It has been a long, long day. Yeah...

Worked on my study abroad application only to realize I'm applying for spring 2010. Which is RIGHT NOW. Ugh. I sent an email asking if it can be changed or if I have to start over, but... haven't gotten a reply back as of this writing. Perhaps I can't even do it now...

So, other things going on. Um...

She knows. Unfortunately. I talked to one of her other friends and... yeah. At least she thinks of me as a good friend, but this other friend said she thinks I don't have much of a chance. Which got me horrifically depressed, as it does. I talked to my other friends about it. They... well, sorry guys, but you didn't really help much. I asked whether or not I should just give up. They didn't really give a clear answer. I know that I don't want to give up, though, and they said they'd support me in that.

So here I'm sitting in a friend's room typing this since everyone's tired. I'm hardly even here anyway. I just feel very old and tired right now.

This year needs to end soon.

It's quiet in here... too quiet

Culture trip made me feel excellent emotionally but I am a little sick now. Go figure.

Hrmm... don't have a lot to say today. I'm working on my study abroad application. I really hope it works out for me...

This week may be busier than I need it to, with stuff for the Moliere show, papers to write, and a really long chain of Facebook comments all starting to appear at once. Good thing it's only a few weeks left.

I don't think I could deal with this kind of stress year-long, so at least it's at the end. Next semester is all theater/English classes though, so yay! And then hopefully off to London! That would be so, so awesome.

Finally, I want to ride an ostrich. That's all for tonight, sorry guys.

,,,and shades of gray?

So you may have heard recently that the titles of the first fifth-generation Pokemon games have been announced. Pokemon Black and Pokemon White- an all-new adventure in a new region with new monsters, but all on the Nintendo DS. That's right, no need to get a new system! Woo-hoo!

Since I haven't really got anything else to talk about tonight, I'll discuss a few things I'd like to see in this game.

First off, Pokemon following you around. It worked in HeartGold/SoulSilver, and so well at that, that I think it really should be brought back. Honestly, all they have to do is work out a few things (add an option not to have anything following you, choose which party member follows rather than just the first) and it would be excellent.

Second, Pokewalker connectivity. Seriously, it's a great and fun addition to the most recent titles and should be used again in the new games. Simple as that.

Third, more battle animation. Check out the new battle screen. There are full-body sprites for Pokemon in battle now, I think they should make full use of them. It was suggested that the new games would be more "action-based" so I hope for more than the current effects. The attacks themselves look great but the Pokemon don't really do anything. I want to actually see my Charizard use his fire breath.

Fourth, think out evolutions better. OK, work harder on designs, for one thing. I like all the Pokemon (yes, all 495 of them), but fourth gen had a couple oddities like Probopass and Magmortar. Sometimes simpler is better. Also, methods of evolution need to be simplified. Only two Pokemon can evolve via the Thunderstone, why not make more that evolve that way as opposed to trading while holding items or knowing specific moves or being in one area of the game? Many of these methods are unintuitive and not easily divined by people who don't spoil themselves via the Internet like I do.

Fifth and finally, let's make some awesome new Pokemon. Which is to say, cut down on the legendaries and make a bunch of guys based on animals that haven't been Mon-ified yet. For example:
*Dolphins
*Orangutans
*Armadillo
*Goats. Mountain variety or not, c'mon and do it already, Game Freak.
*All sorts of dinosaurs. Work with me on the fossils here.
*Stoats. Like ferrets, but cooler. Either a Furret evolution or a new early-game rodent, I don't care- but I saw one in a nature documentary today and they are awesome.
*Lots and lots of bugs- stag beetles, bombardier beetles, fire ants... and there needs to be a Bug legendary. Fighting, too, now that I think of it.
*Make new type combinations, too, by the way.
*There are lots more, of course, but I'm tired. Feel free to suggest your own

So yeah, the new games will hopefully be a lot of fun as long as they keep up the good work, and hopefully implement at least one or two of these ideas in some small way...

Do not want to go back to class tomorrow. Argh.

If Sephiroth were a math geek, would his theme song be "One-Winged Angle"?

So I'm trying to watch "The Beast Below" right now. I can't wait until I can actually watch Doctor Who on TV again. Pretty good episode, though. Reminds me a little of "The Long Game" but I have a feeling this one will be more popular...

Two episodes in and I still really like the Eleventh Doctor. Seriously, Matt Smith is great. There's a bit in it, though, where he just snaps at an impossible decision he had to make and I see a bit of the Tenth's fire and ice coming through... but in the end it's Amy who saves the day, and the Doctor! And it's brilliant!

Now then, what happened on culture trip today? Let's go over it piece-by-piece:

Tour of the Guthrie Theatre: Rather interesting, getting to see backstage of a professional company and their building. Besides being quite nice, Patrick Stewart apparently once performed there! How cool is that?
Seeing "Iron Ring" at the Children's Theatre: Fun show, definitely had some great dramatic and comedic moments, not too bad at all for being based off a kids' book. Though seeing Ernie from the Bert and Ernie show way back when as the protagonist was kinda odd...
Break time between stuff: Went to a rather crowded McDonald's to eat, then hit a used book store and surplus store in the... I think downtown area? Something like that? Found a couple of books, nothing too particularly notable. Need Mickey D's more often though. Seriously, Subway has been a meal three times over the last two days. Blimey. Then we hung out at the hotel, just chilling for a while, ate dinner (SUBWAY AGAIN!), then headed off to...
The video game music orchestra!: Freaking awesome is the best way to describe this. Besides what you'd expect- including some Halo, Mario, Zelda, World of Warcraft, and Final Fantasy music (the One-Winged Angel performance was freaking epic)- there was also some audience participation and video messages from a few composers, plus we got to see the guy who invented Pong live over video conference projected on the big screen. Yes, that guy is still alive! Okay, so the seats were kinda crappy, but it was still a great show- and then they announced partway through that NEIL FREAKIN' GAIMAN was attending the performance that night as well! I looked for him all over but never did see him, alas. Could have met one of my heroes tonight...

And now I'm back here, having finished Doctor Who at long last and probably showering soon so I can be ready to go early tomorrow morning. A couple of the guys are still out, so I'm waiting for them, at least for now.

Back to Pella tomorrow, sadly. Only a few weeks left...

The elaborate title of Troy's blog entry

Posting from a hotel room in Minnesota as most of the others play Monopoly. Which I have found out I really don't like. Oh well, at least I tried.

So the culture trip started, which is pretty cool so far- went to a museum of Russian art, which was mildly interesting (though Russia is a sad and confusing place, frankly), then later on found far more entertainment in the show "The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity," a rather clever and fast-paced satire of professional wrestling and culture as told from the perspective of a jobbing Puerto Rican wrestler. It was pretty good stuff, and there was some action to it, naturally- and when the main character owned three guys at once, including the titular (and rather buff) Chad Deity, that was pretty cool.

The trip itself wasn't too bad, stuck in the smaller (but somehow less cramped) van as opposed to the bus, but there was singing. We rocked out to a ridiculously awesome rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, yeah. Piano, guitars, and all. So. Freaking. Awesome.

So apparently a lot of people are aware of the identity of the girl that I like, rather through figuring it out or finding out from someone (only because they're nexuses... nexi?... of info regarding things in the theater department). Hopefully not everyone knows. I certainly hope she doesn't know...

Someone asked, in all seriousness, if I'm in love with her.

...thing is, I'm really not sure.

*sigh*

"I say you take her up on her offer, Joey. It's certainly better than killing ourselves!"

So tonight I'm trying to finish watching "Me and My Dick" (from the same people who brought us "A Very Potter Musical," but I digress), or at least some more of it before I go off on culture trip tomorrow.

Excited? Yes, yes I am! It is going to be fun...

OK, so I do get put in a different hotel with a few other guys a few blocks away from where everyone else is, not to mention I have to go in the van rather than the bus... but I hope that won't matter too much in the long run.

I am starting to have a good feeling about this trip, I can't quite place it but something at the back of my brain is telling me that I will get at least a little rewarded for making it through the tough week I had...

Getting Pearl for Easter was probably the worst possible timing though, since I decided to leave my DS here, and so I'm leaving off right before finishing the fifth gym. Argh. Oh well, it can wait a couple of days.

Four weeks of school left. Everything is about to get pretty hectic. I'm not looking forward to being mostly by myself for three months...

There is no fate, just growth

Today's title comes from a conversation I had with a friend a little bit ago, about the concept of things not being meant to be, rather we grow into them. Well, I don't know if it'll ever end up in a book, but it was pretty darned good, so I made it my entry title. If you're reading, this one's for you.

After a tough week or so, I'm starting to battle back to normalcy, or at least whatever it is that I consider normal. I think I will be mostly back to form once the culture trip rolls around. Which is good, since I'm really looking forward to it.

People I can trust will be there, people I can talk to and have fun with. Because there are people who actually like me here. They want me to be around and talk to me and do stuff with me. Compare it to middle school where everyone hated me and high school where people were somewhat more civil but mostly ignored me...

Yeah. It's... kinda weird. I'm still not entirely used to it yet, and I've started to fall back on the old habit of putting myself down...

The thought of being treated as an equal and genuinely thought of as one boggles my mind. I don't entirely know what to do...

I'm glad I'm here though. Perhaps, in time, I will be able to grow into someone I can genuinely like too.

Also, been playing Pearl some, making slow progress. I have most of my team sans Abomasnow, with all fully evolved except for Napoleon (my Prinplup). I'm surprised how fast my Chansey evolved... also, my Chatot owned Maylene's first two Pokemon in my gym battle with her (it went down to Spiritomb to finish Lucario). Take that, tier status!

Tuesday retrospect: I've been acting stupid. Surprise, surprise

OK, so it's actually Wednesday as I write this, but eh. EH, I say!

So a little while ago I texted one of my friends and asked what I could do to take my mind off things... which ended up with me coming over and watching some Star Trek and Indiana Jones.

It helped. A lot.

I am not feeling perfect right now, but it is a boon to have friends who genuinely care and aren't bothered when I come to them needing support. This is something I really should appreciate, and... well, "take advantage of" is the wrong word choice, but I should really trust more in knowing that they don't dislike me talking to them when I need somebody to listen, or just someone to be around.

It's hard some days, but I have to keep in mind what I'm working and waiting for here... why was I feeling like quitting now?

Also, Sean Connery is amazing.

Thanks for nothing, Mr. Roboto

Today, I feel a little better than I did yesterday.

Which helps in absolutely no way whatsoever.

Still feeling like crap right about now. So I feel about the same as I usually look. Har-de-freaking-har.

I wish things would get better soon, but that's a stupid thing to hope for. Since when did things ever get better for me?

If only something would happen, anything would happen just so things changed for a little bit. I've been stuck in this rut for so long and I don't know how to get out.

Just... please don't hate me. Not this time. If she does, well then, I'm done with trying again. I'll go off somewhere and live by myself if that's what God wants, because it's what He's been pushing me toward so far.

This just doesn't end, does it?

A man without a country

Still have a little of my presentation on Vonnegut to finish. Not much though.

Should warn you now, feeling like crap today. Depressing entry ahead.

I have to admit... I was really lonely over break. Being away from school does this to me since people talk to me even less than they already tend to. They have their own lives and friends and while they've all got someone else, I haven't. So I was sad enough coming back here, then I got pelted with hail...

I decided to visit the rehearsal for Moliere, technically I don't have to be there but I prefer it to staying in my room at Scholte, which I am now definitely not moving back to next year. I don't like it here- nobody ever comes by, people dump trash outside my door, and they stole my whiteboard.

Which nobody ever wrote on anyway.

So yeah, I went to the theater to just be around people, but I felt very depressed already, and I worry too much about whether I bother people by being around them. If I was they're too nice to say, but still... even forgetting about the girl I like, I don't feel good enough for anyone there. Even though everyone is so different they're all nice to me and I feel like I don't deserve it. It's odd for people to actually take notice of me and act as though they genuinely WANT me around. I haven't really ever felt like that before, and it's scaring me because I feel like a fraud that hasn't been found out yet. I don't want everyone to hate and/or ignore. I've been through that in this lifetime enough already, I don't want to go through it in college.

And of course she was there...

The fact that she actually notices and talks to and is nice to me doesn't make things any better because I know she likes somebody else, so she's not being nice to me for any special reason. She's just nice to me because that's who she is, not because she likes me at all, even as a person. I feel so inferior to her and yet I like her so much and it's killing me more each day. I just... I don't remember the last time I liked someone like this. I can't remember ever hurting exactly like this. What's wrong with me?

She told me I was funny, but... I wonder if she just wanted to say something nice and recalls that I try too hard. I certainly feel like I try too hard.

Loneliness has always been such a problem for me, and I don't know how to fix it. I get this feeling that somehow, for some reason, this may be my last chance ever at finding someone. I don't know why I get that idea, but it's occurred to me and I'm scared it might be true. If she doesn't like me, if she rejects me, if she stays with this other guy... I don't know what I'm going to do. Nobody has ever really understood just how alone I feel. How unwanted I feel, sometimes.

Years and years of being an only child who didn't have any friends took their toll on me. I feel so old. Older than I should. Some days just simply being alive makes me tired. And here I see everybody else is finding someone, and I'm still just floundering about like a pathetic, miserable failure.

If this doesn't work out, I think I shall just lock myself in my room and not let anybody in. I'll just stay there until I run out of food and water and then let time take its course. Being lonely like this isn't living at all. I just can't keep doing this, because I need someone, I really truly need someone to care for, someone who cares about me, someone I'm important to and vice versa, because otherwise I feel like my existence really isn't justified otherwise.

It sucks, caring about other people, because if she ends up happy with this other guy then I can't morally get in the way of that, no matter how much I like her. The problem is that as much as I hate being alone, I'd still sacrifice my own happiness for her. I would much rather be miserable for the rest of my life and let her be happy with somebody else than be with her and have her not want me at all.

...damn it all.

Why couldn't I have been one of those attractive, self-confident jerks that girls throw themselves after? Why couldn't I have been somebody like that, and not some ugly, stupid, worthless romantic who puts other people ahead of him?

What's it worth being a "good" person if your entire life was pointless? If you never find anyone because you were made to be unhappy?

I need to talk to someone about this, but they'll probably think there's something wrong with me. I think there's something wrong with me. Problem one is that I even exist, it all sort of goes downhill from there...

People have told me, "oh, you can still be happy even if you never find anyone!" Except that's a load of crap and they know it and I know it. I know from nearly twenty damned years of experience that being alone, and being aware of it every second you're alive, is the worst punishment that has ever been inflicted on me. I need other people more than I'm willing to admit and yet most of them want nothing to do with me.

I'd say more but I have a presentation to finish. Like it even matters...

A magnet train of thought... and a magnet train crash

Very little happened today, so I will try to make this post at least a little worthwhile.

Got Pokemon Pearl for Easter today. Planned team: Empoleon, Chatot, Spiritomb, Abomasnow, Blissey, and Vespiquen. Well, there goes the "female team" plan... I think I can live with this setup, though. For some reason a ragtag band of misfits sounds like my kind of team.

Will probably trade to Platinum for move tutor moves. Chatot, which is a freaking parrot, can learn Heat Wave. That's pretty awesome.

Finished "Slaughterhouse-Five" today. Had to read it so I could do a presentation for American Lit class. I'm exhausted but Vonnegut is a great writer. It's just kinda draining to read...

I picked up one of the LEGO Prince of Persia things to see what it was like. *sigh* Yet another thing I refuse to let go of. Doesn't help that it's actually really cool. Stupid LEGO and their quality toys. Stop being so darned good.

Haven't talked to people much over this short break, but it's only been three days. Could probably use the time away from college stuff. Although there's only five weeks left and then it's a long, long break ahead. Ugh. Not entirely sure things'll work out this year at the rate it's going...

I may be coming down with a minor cold or something else. Drowsy but otherwise fine. See you all tomorrow, because right now I'm beat.

I am DEFINITELY a madman with a box

So. New Doctor, new companion, new TARDIS...

Still the same brilliant Doctor Who. Finished "The Eleventh Hour" a few minutes ago, and can I just say that was absolutely brilliant? Because I just did. And it was. But back to that in a minute...

I saw "How to Train Your Dragon" today. In 3D. And it is a pretty darned good movie. Tell you what, skip the Clash of the Titans remake, skip the crappy Miley Cyrus movie, go see this one. You will not regret it.

I kept the 3D glasses, by the way. I kinda like them.

So, back to Doctor Who...

First of all, anybody who doubted Matt Smith as the Doctor was an idiot. Okay, so we already knew that, but we now have definitive proof. I think that dropping him straight into things was a good idea, having to follow a Doctor like David Tennant was a big enough challenge as it was and you know some people really had to be sold... but this new Doctor is going to be as much a joy to watch as all the others. His character is everything the Doctor should be- funny, smart, clever, witty, caring, brilliant- even though he's younger than ever and a bit different than each of his other lives (as he should be), this is still our Doctor. Y'know, that final confrontation on the hospital roof is probably the best part of the whole episode for me. The Holograph-O-Continuity-References was pretty awesome all in itself (were those the Sea Devils? And why were half the guys there villains who have never actually been on modern Earth?), but basically it's the new Doctor finally working out exactly who he is- he even picks out a bow tie! Not to mention the music is freaking amazing during this sequence! And while he's getting dressed, he points out that, not only are humans brilliant and harmless, the planet is defended. By HIM. So, he tells the Atraxi quite politely, if they know what's good for them, they will GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE. And they run off with their hypothetical tails between their hypothetical legs.

He pulls off what Ten did in his first episode without the shouting, or the baddies blowing up, and without having to depose the Prime Minister afterward. And he puts his outfit on while doing it. And then he steps through David Tennant's face.

It's basically Steven Moffat's way of saying "Hey, all you Smith haters. He's the Doctor now and he's mother****ing awesome. Deal with it, suckers."

And hey, that's just one scene of the whole thing! Do you know just what else the episode's got? A crack in the wall, a shapeshifting monster that can't get the voices right, evil beans, flying eyes, the world saved thanks to a porn addict, the new companion being a kissogram, a sweet new opening theme, time travel mishaps, epic foreshadowing, the phrase "WHO DA MAN?!", Sir Patrick Moore, a screwdriver blowing up, a stolen fire truck, and a totally awesome new TARDIS interior.

And then we get the preview for the rest of the season... and did I mention Neil Gaiman's writing an episode next year? So yeah. Time to jump into the Matt Smith years head-first, and there's really only one way that I can properly express that...

GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yesterday I didn't pull any pranks, that WAS the prank

I didn't mention yesterday, but someone turned Central's campus into Hogwarts. The highlight for me was the various landmarks turned into Horcruxes. I only found four of 'em, though, does anybody know what they all were?

Finally up to speed with the show Chuck, so glad my parents record it while I'm gone, though hopefully I can start watching it when it airs again. I need my spy action.

Mostly relaxed right now, but I think I pulled a leg muscle somehow, which does not please me. Also, I am getting Pearl for my Easter present. So far I've chosen Empoleon, Vespiquen, Mismagius, and probably Blissey. I have no idea what else I'll use. I could swap Mismagius for Spiritomb and choose something else, though... suggestions, anyone?

So next Friday it's off to Minneapolis, and a month from then, improv show in Des Moines. I have a feeling these diversions will be essential to my mental and emotional well-being over the next couple of months...

I have a strong urge to write a short Doctor Who piece about Ten's last thoughts in the moments before regeneration, written in the second person (which is using "you" for pronouns a lot, kinda like in choose-your-own-adventure books). If I get done with the actual work I have to do that may be an option.

That reminds me, I'm still working on my one current task for the show, which is finding music (did I mention that before) for preshow/postshow. I need to find an hour. Got 15 minutes' worth pretty easily, will try to do the rest tonight once I finish this entry, or something.

Tomorrow we may be going to see "How to Train Your Dragon," which I've heard David Tennant plays a small part in, so I am looking forward to that. Plus it looks like a good movie in general.

Oh, and tomorrow is the premiere of "The Eleventh Hour"! YouTube shall be my friend in such matters as actually viewing it. If I manage to see it, expect an EPIC RAVING MANEUVER in tomorrow's entry.

Card games on motorcycles?!

So my spring break finally kicked in. Thank goodness. Though I'm still exhausted (taking 15 minutes for us all to get the whirlpool tub in working order did not help).

Going out tomorrow, so going to bed fairly early tonight. As such, I may not make this entry too long either. I'm kind of procrastinating, as I tend to do. Hey, did you know they made Prince of Persia LEGO sets for that movie that's coming out? And that they actually look really cool? I plan to get one tomorrow just to see for myself what they're like, I've heard some good things about them.

Only a week until culture trip, yay! Three days of classes next week, double yay!

Today, I realized that someone really, actually, wants me to fail in my attempts to succeed at getting in a relationship for once. Oh, you claim that you think the other guy could have changed, and that you just don't want her to get hurt...

But if that's the case, if you don't want her to get hurt, then you're doubting that he's changed. And we both know her friends who have known her for longer, and know her better, think this is a BIG mistake.

So if you don't want her to get hurt, why aren't you warning her away from him?

Not to mention, why does it not matter if I get hurt?




...on the plus side, two days until Doctor Who. Two days is far too long.