Something is changing, and it's different than what I've felt before.
For about ten days now, I've felt good, I've felt confident, I've felt... I dunno what else to call it. That's a pretty long string for me.
And I have a feeling it's not going to end anytime soon.
This is... well, it's excellent. Brilliant! I've made actual progress. I feel good about my life, about being alive, and that's a good thing. But it's almost like the Troy I used to be is starting to disappear and somebody new is taking that place. And I'm still that somebody new.
I mean... it's hard to explain. I'm glad, but it's kind of like losing something. Everything is good, there's nothing wrong, I just feel... weird. I haven't got the words for it. I'm looking forward to the future. I feel like I can roll with the punches. I'm starting to like myself. I wonder how this happened? And why now? Why is it that after falling pretty hard I managed to have pulled myself up this high?
Maybe I shouldn't question it. If I do I'm afraid I'll stop flying and start falling again. I can't go back there. I won't go back there. I refuse to.
I've been enjoying life, talking to people- even people I don't know!- making new friends, experiencing some new things... I feel alive. There's so much out there waiting for me. And yet there's still one thing I'm waiting for.
I find it impossible to get over her. Her eyes, her hair, her laugh... everything about her makes me smile without thinking about it. Maybe I've put her on a pedestal, and maybe that's bad, but I can't help it. In my mind, she's almost perfect, and I will put anything else aside if it means getting her. And now I feel like I can, as long as I hold out the rest of this year and don't rush things in the next.
Sometimes I wonder if she reads this blog. I want her to see, I need her to see how brightly I can shine. Are you reading this right now? I need you to know, somehow, that you mean a lot to me. I can't explain how or why, and I think that would ruin it if I did. But please, give me a chance. So many people gave up on me, underestimated me, thought I wasn't good enough... and they were wrong. Don't be like them, I'm begging you. I'm not saying marry me or anything like that, but at least be my friend and give yourself time to know me before you decide that's all you want. And even if we go our separate ways, know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you. I'm there for you should you ever need someone. Even if I have to do it in a way that you'll never know it, I would do just about anything for you. Not just because of the feelings I have for you, but because I respect and admire you greatly. And because you're my friend, even if you don't think of me as one.
Take a leap of faith. Trust me. What do you have to lose?
So, in other news, I've been eating Subway a lot lately. Tonight's entry was almost titled "I didn't even KNOW Subway made cinnamon rolls."
They do, by the way. They're pretty good.
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