Never give up, never surrender

Well, at least I hope I don't.

Today was a tougher day than usual. It doesn't help when after the show you hang out with some friends, and end up going to the local sports grill/bar and OH HEY GUESS WHO'S THERE IT'S THE GIRL YOU LIKE. Thankfully that other guy wasn't there too, else I probably would have left. Or hit him. Or cried. Perhaps some combination.

It's always getting harder to just tough this out.

I'm going to keep going, but...

What if this lasts a long time? What if they don't ever break up? What if they do and she still doesn't want me anyway?

I don't want to try to find someone else. Why is it that I always have to give up the things I want? Why is that fair? Everyone that matters seems to leave, or die, or end up hating me. How long and how far am I going to be tested? What's the point of it if there's nothing good at the end, and I'm still alone?

I HATE it when people tell me "oh, you'll find someone someday!" for two reasons:

1) You do not know that. Many, many people die alone. Exactly what proof do we have so far that I'm not going to be the same?
2) I already have found someone. She just wants somebody else.

Isn't getting what I want just once something I deserve? Why don't I get a chance to be with who I want? What possible use is telling me "oh, just stay unhappy for a few more years, or a LOT more years, for something that's still just a maybe." It feels like it's just wasted effort when things fall apart. When I care so much about someone to whom I don't even exist.

Why can't they ever see me the way other people see me? Why is it always them who think I'm a hideous freak?

If there isn't her, then I think there's nobody.

At least I got a hug today. And friendly arm squeezes. It's nice to know people care, even if only in a platonic way. It's better than what I'm used to.

I wish I had someone who would just follow me around and constantly hug me. It'd be nice.

So for now, I just keep going and going, each second and minute further behind me as time goes by. One way or another, it's the last time I'm going to have to do this. Either I succeed, or I never try again. Because all I've gotten is pain for what I've given, and nothing good in return.

If there's a God, I wonder what his plan for me is. And why it requires me to be so lonely for so many years. If it has to be like this for the rest of time, I'd rather not have been born.