A man without a country

Still have a little of my presentation on Vonnegut to finish. Not much though.

Should warn you now, feeling like crap today. Depressing entry ahead.

I have to admit... I was really lonely over break. Being away from school does this to me since people talk to me even less than they already tend to. They have their own lives and friends and while they've all got someone else, I haven't. So I was sad enough coming back here, then I got pelted with hail...

I decided to visit the rehearsal for Moliere, technically I don't have to be there but I prefer it to staying in my room at Scholte, which I am now definitely not moving back to next year. I don't like it here- nobody ever comes by, people dump trash outside my door, and they stole my whiteboard.

Which nobody ever wrote on anyway.

So yeah, I went to the theater to just be around people, but I felt very depressed already, and I worry too much about whether I bother people by being around them. If I was they're too nice to say, but still... even forgetting about the girl I like, I don't feel good enough for anyone there. Even though everyone is so different they're all nice to me and I feel like I don't deserve it. It's odd for people to actually take notice of me and act as though they genuinely WANT me around. I haven't really ever felt like that before, and it's scaring me because I feel like a fraud that hasn't been found out yet. I don't want everyone to hate and/or ignore. I've been through that in this lifetime enough already, I don't want to go through it in college.

And of course she was there...

The fact that she actually notices and talks to and is nice to me doesn't make things any better because I know she likes somebody else, so she's not being nice to me for any special reason. She's just nice to me because that's who she is, not because she likes me at all, even as a person. I feel so inferior to her and yet I like her so much and it's killing me more each day. I just... I don't remember the last time I liked someone like this. I can't remember ever hurting exactly like this. What's wrong with me?

She told me I was funny, but... I wonder if she just wanted to say something nice and recalls that I try too hard. I certainly feel like I try too hard.

Loneliness has always been such a problem for me, and I don't know how to fix it. I get this feeling that somehow, for some reason, this may be my last chance ever at finding someone. I don't know why I get that idea, but it's occurred to me and I'm scared it might be true. If she doesn't like me, if she rejects me, if she stays with this other guy... I don't know what I'm going to do. Nobody has ever really understood just how alone I feel. How unwanted I feel, sometimes.

Years and years of being an only child who didn't have any friends took their toll on me. I feel so old. Older than I should. Some days just simply being alive makes me tired. And here I see everybody else is finding someone, and I'm still just floundering about like a pathetic, miserable failure.

If this doesn't work out, I think I shall just lock myself in my room and not let anybody in. I'll just stay there until I run out of food and water and then let time take its course. Being lonely like this isn't living at all. I just can't keep doing this, because I need someone, I really truly need someone to care for, someone who cares about me, someone I'm important to and vice versa, because otherwise I feel like my existence really isn't justified otherwise.

It sucks, caring about other people, because if she ends up happy with this other guy then I can't morally get in the way of that, no matter how much I like her. The problem is that as much as I hate being alone, I'd still sacrifice my own happiness for her. I would much rather be miserable for the rest of my life and let her be happy with somebody else than be with her and have her not want me at all.

...damn it all.

Why couldn't I have been one of those attractive, self-confident jerks that girls throw themselves after? Why couldn't I have been somebody like that, and not some ugly, stupid, worthless romantic who puts other people ahead of him?

What's it worth being a "good" person if your entire life was pointless? If you never find anyone because you were made to be unhappy?

I need to talk to someone about this, but they'll probably think there's something wrong with me. I think there's something wrong with me. Problem one is that I even exist, it all sort of goes downhill from there...

People have told me, "oh, you can still be happy even if you never find anyone!" Except that's a load of crap and they know it and I know it. I know from nearly twenty damned years of experience that being alone, and being aware of it every second you're alive, is the worst punishment that has ever been inflicted on me. I need other people more than I'm willing to admit and yet most of them want nothing to do with me.

I'd say more but I have a presentation to finish. Like it even matters...