If only we had a cat!

Today was our first dress rehearsal for Urinetown. Holy cow, this is going fast- it might just work out!

Improv was later tonight, and was kinda shorter than usual. Now, don't get me wrong, I love having the older students around because they're all great, but there's a part of me that can't wait 'til they're gone, because we have a tendency to avoid even trying to play a lot of games. There's really no explanation for it either, just "oh, it's too hard" or "nah, I hate that game." One day I'd like to try them and find out for myself, y'know? I don't think many games should be too hard, I think I'm clever enough to figure them out, but... otherwise, I absolutely love improv. A show's coming up next Wednesday, and the last one went really well, so this one should be pretty awesome too.

My birthday is in a little more than a week. I find this fact disturbing. I will be nineteen, and frankly I'm pretty sure I've stopped aging much within the last few years. If I hit twenty-five and still look like this, I'm going to a medical professional, because there's some weird stuff going on with my body.

Not that I'm complaining about that, mind you.

Recently I feel as though I've been losing my humor touch. Do all comedians have occasional ruts? I really hope that's the case- or perhaps the exertion I'm going through plus my emotional conflicts are affecting me somehow? Man, I'm probably a psychological goldmine. I dunno... the issues with the female sex recently may be causing some sort of... um... total protonic reversal? No, that's not right. But I was near one of them at dinner tonight, eating with the cast, and I feel a bit like I tried to force the funny to come, although outside opinions state that this is not the case. Perhaps I am just being paranoid/cautious? Hrmph. I need more help with this, honestly. One of my friends is dating one of her BFFs (never used that term seriously before), and I've talked about it with him... I probably need their advice. I'm glad I can trust some people here. I think I'm slowly getting a bit more accepted.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't been an only child, or one of a multitude of other things that would help me with social skills. Can I trade one of my useless skills like matching socks for that?

Halolz

I tend to forget how awesome other people can be. I really need to make a sticky note or something to remind myself... I have good friends.

Played Halo for the first time today with a friend and his roommates. I kinda got the hang of it but I still suck at it. Laser swords and gravity hammers are freaking sweet, though. Especially when it's set to triple speed and half gravity. Then hilarity ensues.

We did cue-to-cue for our musical today. This is where we basically go through the show bit by bit in order to get all the music, sound, and lighting cues down. I'd heard stories before about how hellish these days were supposed to be, but the two I've been involved with (Abstnercranth and now Urinetown) have been pretty easy, to be honest. Today got off to a slow start but we were done in time for dinner, and although my legs are still sore I feel pretty positive about how this is going to turn out.

I think there's really an equal share of work for everyone onstage, whether you're in chorus or a lead. Chorus has to learn all sorts of dances and most of the songs, but leads have lots of lines and solos. Everybody really has to pull their weight- and that's just the actors, that doesn't include the crew who also does a lot to make sure the show goes as best as it possibly can. Except for dance choreographers who think they're qualified to direct everyone in singing and acting as well. Those people are just jerks.

I have a paper that needs worked on sometime. It's short but due Monday- perhaps I will work on it before/after rehearsal tomorrow. I really want Subway for lunch, too, I haven't been there in a while and have been craving it for a few days now.

Do you ever wonder if the people you're thinking about are thinking of you too?

A one-woman man's what I want to be, but there's two perfect girls for me...

Our dance choreographer is an incompetent twit. That really needs to be said.

Right now I'm fairly stressed from all this stuff going on. Musical, improv, class reading, papers, other things on my mind...

Oh yeah, the title. Right. So I have a dilemma on my hands. Apparently it is possible to like two girls at once. And I have zero chance with both of them, what joy! Perhaps I should just print out a business card for when I meet girls for the first time so we can avoid all this fuss. It'd say something like:

"Hi, I'm Troy Wilkins, and I'm single and available. Despite this, if I ever develop any feelings for you deeper than friendship, you will find out somehow, probably from some well-meaning soul who intends to help me out, and you will inevitably end up hating me, just like all the others before you do."

Now, I know what you're thinking right now: "Troy, you silly sock monkey! Women love you, despite the fact that they all ignore you and none have ever yet reciprocated your feelings. But hey, just because thousands of other people end up miserable and lonely, you still have a... wait a minute... um..."

Yeah, that's what I thought. One of these girls I've known for a while now and I'm friends with, but she isn't really interested in relationships and I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to talk with her in a while. The other one is in the musical and is frankly so far out of my league we're playing different sports. I haven't even let on to anybody I know I like this girl. I thought about it, but when people try to help things go wrong. I'm already so scared that I'll make everyone here hate me, what if I do or say something wrong here? The theater is such a nice place to be, and I don't want to be unwelcome there.

Speaking of the theater, and I have to be frank, even the guys there who don't like women get more girls than I do, which is funny but kind of depressing. Don't give me this "you're not confident enough" bull, I've been called ugly, stupid, and worthless to my face and I've been called that and worse behind my back. I should just give up now and save the trouble. I wonder, what exactly, I did that was so bad that whatever power controls the universe decided to make it impossible for me to build relationships with other people? And of course that's the one thing I really want. I hate when I hear people complaining about their relationship problems, as if they got the short end of the stick. "SUCK IT UP!" I want to tell them- "At least at some point you had somebody who cared about you!" And who exactly do I have? Who have I got to live and love and laugh with? Who can I tell my most intimate secrets to without fear of being judged, who can I share the most mundane things with and know they'll always be interested? I haven't got that. I've never had that, and I think it may be too late to even start...

I know that's a lot to take in, but I really wanted to say it. I feel a little better for having said so. I haven't been seriously depressed for a while now, but it was hurting to keep it all in. I wish I trusted people more, especially the ones I know want to help. Why is it so hard for me to open up?

Positive news- Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver are only about two weeks away. Perhaps when I get a copy I will immerse myself in it and ignore everything else for a while. I'd like to go back to those simpler days when getting the next gym badge was the most pressing thing on my mind. I have my teams for both games planned out. I really look forward to the new journeys ahead of me in Johto, video games are such an effective stress reliever for me, and it's nice to have something trivial to obsess over and distract from bigger things. When the new season of Doctor Who starts I think I'll feel better.

...is it Easter yet?

(by the way, to my current one follower, thanks for the interest, but if I know you I'm afraid I don't remember who you are- have we met?)

GERONIMO!

...blogging!

Um... hi? Nice to... see you, I guess? I'm new to this whole blog thing. Never thought I would because I wanted to try to avoid being a total geek. But then I realized I squeed when they announced the fifth generation of Pokemon. ...so yeah.

I'd say something about myself, but I assume you're reading this because you know me and are masochistic enough to want more of me, so I guess we can skip that part, right? For those of you who I haven't heard from in a while, great to see you again. For the rest of you, glad you popped by. I'll try to make this worth your while.

Doctor Who is awesome. I need to say that right now. Which is why I chose the Eleventh Doctor's catchphrase for the title of my first post. Matt Smith shall be excellent, I am predicting it right now. But anyway... I decided to start blogging just so I could express thoughts that needed more space than Facebook or Twitter offered. Now you have three ways to ignore me! ...sorry. Didn't mean that. But sometimes I feel like I'm being ignored by everyone and I wish I could talk to people more, y'know? And I've always had trouble making that kind of effort. Do people think I'm misanthropic? Maybe? I'm not- I want to be around people, and I like people, but I don't know how to communicate with them. Natural shyness does not help that in any way.

Something that really grinds my gears recently- all those Facebook pages that promise you stuff if you join and invite all your friends. Look, I understand if you get fooled one time- shame on them and not you, right? But I see people joining multiple groups like that. And they keep doing it, and they keep inviting me when they should know full well it's not gonna work this time either- c'mon guys, get it together already! Speaking of Facebook, I wonder if people are ignoring my friend requests? Or are they just busy? I hope it's the latter. I don't want to be driving people away from me in my first year of college, I want people to like me. This stuff about a clean slate is another thing that gets me- whoever says that kind of thing doesn't understand what those of us who have a lot of pain and loneliness in our past have to deal with. We'd really really like it to go away, but it never does, so don't give us that fresh start crap.

There are a lot of new and interesting people here though. Even for a small Iowa college, there is such more variety here than what I'm used to. Girls are a lot different too. Though I am still terrible with them. Some things never change, huh?

Perhaps I will write more later, I am really tired from Urinetown rehearsal right now. Until next time, blogosphere...