I don't think I want to do this anymore.

My heart's been broken again.

Should have seen this coming.

Course she'd rather have somebody else, if I'm the other option they always go for the alternative.

Don't know why there was a part of me stupid enough to believe I had a chance.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Just another case of me not being good enough.

Maybe I never will be. Maybe this is it.

I can't win, can I?

I'm sick of trying to open up to people who don't value me.

Unwanted. Unappreciated. Don't tell me things will "get better". Right now I'm living in hell. Right now I feel worthless.

The people I care about are always the ones who make me feel worthless.

I wish I didn't have to feel anything anymore.

I don't want to love anyone. Not if this is the cost.

Starting to think I was born to be alone after all.

Some things can't be changed. Sometimes the closest ones will always hate you.

I wish I could start over. Forget everything. Forget all this loneliness and heartbreak. But then it would just happen again.

Don't tell me something good will happen and it will all be worth it.

People better than me die alone.

Most people are better than me.

Right now I am staring my inability to do anything right in the face.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to die alone.

But I'm so afraid I will.

I lose everyone who matters. Eventually I always do.

The only constants in my life are the people who brought me into this world.

When they are gone, I will have no one, because everyone else will have left.

And then everything, ever, I have done will be pointless.

It hurts. So so so so so so much.

And it doesn't stop.

Because even when I don't let on, my heart breaks a little bit more every day.

OK, now where do I land...?

LONDON CONTINUES. As it tends to.

Took a day trip to Cambridge on Friday, one of the pre-scheduled group events. Long train ride, but I had my iPod... actually had to stand due to lack of seats on the way back, but some other people and I eventually sat on the floor. And they helped me up when my leg fell asleep and I couldn't get up. Occasionally, people here are very nice indeed.

Cambridge is an old college town, and quite a nice one. Lots of magnificent old churches, a great museuem I wished I could visit more (we decided to leave right as we were going through the medieval weaponry exhibit. I got stuck with a group of Philistines). Uh... the Eagle, the pub where Watson and Crick announced their DNA-related discoveries, is in Cambridge. There's a plaque and everything, ate lunch there too. And it was good.

Most of it was walking, so not much to say there.

Tomorrow they take us for Indian food. Never had it before, not sure what to expect. Free unlimited soda, though, I'm down with that. I haven't had enough of it.

Did laundry and grocery shopping on my own. Somehow. Took forever to find the lunchmeat though, especially since I passed by it on the way in then couldn't find it again. But ultimately a success. Since food is so different here I try to experiment with different things and see what I like... the cheaper stuff works pretty well so I won't bother spending lots, but the bread I got was hard, unlike the deli sandwich bun I was expecting. Have to adapt there. Also I haven't gotten veggies yet, planning to do that once I figure out the basic things.

Sheesh, it's like I'm a real adult or something.

Have I mentioned how warm my room is? It's almost boiling, and I never close the window. It is ALWAYS. FREAKING. HOT. I want a cold room so I can bundle in under the covers and sleep soundly. But nope, I get my own little corner of the Sahara.

Really, though, I'm loving it here. It's a lot of fun.

Do not want to talk about girl issues. But I have to write it here because keeping it bottled up is a silly and harmful idea. The only person I've directly mentioned it to isn't here and is probably the person I can trust most anyway. so...

Yes. I met a girl. I was trying to avoid this kind of thing, but... look, I just wanted to focus on London. Not think about this kind of thing and just have fun. Really should have seen this coming, frankly. The thing that I'm worried about is that after the disasters that have been my last few attempts at finding a lady, I've gotten Genre Savvy enough to foresee where this is gonna go beforehand. Yeah, I actually smartened up. Go me!

This one, though, is actually different from my usual type. She's not sweet or innocent- she's sarcastic, witty, clever... not angelically waiflike or pretty. She's attractive, but also like any regular person you meet on the street. I think she's an English major. She's very short but with a lot of spunk and energy. When I was a kid reading Harry Potter, back in those days before we had movies to tell us how to visualize things, my perception of Hermione was a lot what she looks like.

My head tells me to just ride it out for a few months- she's from Illinois and odds are after this trip abroad I'll never see her again. My heart tells me I hate missed opportunities. The me that believes in myself is conspicuously silent on this subject.

I have no intention of talking it out with someone unless they force me to do so. But I had to write this because I know I tend to go mad when I suppress things like this.

...I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't entirely know if that's bad or not.