Blahdeblahdeblah

It's been a rather rough week. And it's only Wednesday. Urrgggggh.

So, today was her birthday. Which was nice, one of my friends insisted I call her (on the phone, natch, though I rather hate phone chat) to wish her happy birthday. It went OK, I guess. It was a short call, but I felt kinda stupid even though I tried to come off confident- which I'm not, of course.

The party was nice and all, pizza and cake, and I got to spend some time with her and talk to her, which is nice. Of course it is.

But then the guy she likes got there partway through, and she spent most of the time sitting on the couch with him... ARRRRRRRRRGH. I DO NOT LIKE THAT GUY. NOT ONE BIT. Seeing them together was... frustrating, to say the least. I couldn't stand it...

I'll be honest. I went back to the bathroom and took out my anger on the walls and doors.

...at least four times. So yeah.

My right hand is a bit banged up now, I kinda deserve it, I guess. It was selfish of me and I shouldn't have done it. It's not like I could've beat the crap out of the guy himself... OK, I could have, and I'm ashamed to admit there's more than a small part that wishes I had, but I knew that I shouldn't, but I had to let that out somehow. There should have been a better way... I suppose angry is better than depressed, but I'm still going through hell with this right now and the fact that I know and can see she likes someone else and he doesn't deserve her annoys me to no end. So what can I do?

I think for now I'll just try to be her friend. Try to put out of my head how much she means to me, though this will probably be impossible. Just be there for her if and hopefully when it ends with this jerk she's after now. Maybe one day it will finally work out for me. Try to deny this sinking feeling that I'm going to be alone no matter what I do.

It may be years and years before I find anyone, if ever. This had better be worth it for all the crap I'm going through.

Oh hey, one small piece of good news. I had a test on Monday I thought I did horribly on and I got a B-! Huzzah!