(...yickety doo, yickety da, ping pong lippy tappy too ta...)
Spent the day at home alone since the parental units had work. Quiet, but boring day. Played more HeartGold. Will try to avoid talking too much about that, I'll put a little note or something at the bottom if that much and use the rest of our time today to discuss more pertinent things.
Hey, remember way back when, that time I said there were two girls I was interested in, and one was in the theater and that's who I've mostly been talking about, then there's this other one? Hey, she's in a relationship now! With some other guy, naturally, and based on the Facebook comments it sounds like they were getting close to that point for a long time now. Which is funny, she told me straight up once she wasn't interested in relationships.
Funny how that works out.
Eh, don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or jealous nor any other such thing, but... well, there's a little contradiction of statements there, am I right? I have to wonder, if you lied to me about that, how many of the other things you told me were lies as well? Were we ever really friends? After all, you never made any efforts to talk to me; yes, we drifted, but you could have tried to reach me like I tried to reach you. You should have just told me all that time ago there was somebody else you were interested in, and I'd have backed off and been fine with it, heck, I'd be happy you'd be honest...
That's the problem with when people lie to me, they think they'll make me feel better, but they don't. And when I find out- which I will- I'll wonder why they hadn't the respect to be honest in the first place.
I'm disappointed. Not mad, not really hurt (I was mostly over you anyway), not anything else. Just disappointed. And that's all I really have to say to you.
But as to the girl I'm actually after, now, there's a different story...
I came to a realization today. In the shower, where all such epiphanies tend to take place. I think I'm finally ready to genuinely make a serious effort for her, and though it'll take all the help I can get, it's time that I really work to succeed and not fail for once. Because now I know why I want to be in a relationship. At least, partway, it's hard to put into words, but... I don't want to be happy. Okay, that's a bit wrong. What I mean is, I don't want other people to make me happy. I want to become happy by making other people happy. I won't deny that there's still some selfish motives in there- yes, I still want someone to love and laugh with and be able to tell anything to without being judged, I want that kind of inexplicable unique and special bond I see happy couples have. But I want to be able to make someone like her, someone very much like her, maybe even the lady herself, laugh and smile and just be able to do that for someone. And if I'm happy because I know I did it, well, that's good too. But if I'm the most important person in someone's life, I want to earn that position.
Is this making sense? Does this sound right or am I being crazy? I've never quite felt like this before, is something wrong with me?
You know, the other day somebody told me something very wise. I was surprised by it, not because they were saying something so insightful but because it, in and of itself, was such a simple and beautiful fact that had never occurred to me. It was something along the lines of "maybe the universe is making this harder for you so that it will feel that much better when you succeed."
It took a while for that one to really sink in with me, but after I mulled it over, it made more and more sense to me. And yes, I think maybe that's right. Maybe the cosmic hopscotch is lining up so that I can take a difficult leap into something good. I've never been the most religious person, but I'm starting to think that maybe God has put her in my path, not just so I could find her but so I could find a bit more of myself as well.
Look, I speak in cliches when I get in a good mood, you're just going to have to deal with it.
(HeartGold progress: got to Mahogany. Drove out the Rockets. Going to train a little more before challenging Pryce. Magneton is a beast)
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Hi there,
ReplyDeletewould you be interested in writing for us?
Check out our page : Downrightfiction.blogspot.com
Thanks for your time!
Wow. I don't think half of the married couples in this world even get to the point where you are now. You've gotten to the heart of what is struggling for utterance in all of us - that ultimately, we are not selfish beings. We as humans may become selfish through life circumstances, but it is not our natural state. Even if she moves away and you never see her again, you have already gained so much from your interactions and musings. Like you said, you are learning more about yourself! If you know exactly what your are looking for (someone to make happy, but who also reciprocates) you can be sure that it'll be that much easier to find.
ReplyDeleteYou really have a heart of gold. (Haha - pun! ...) But silly jokes aside, this may just be the most profound thing I've heard all year and it may just have restored my waning hope in mankind. So thank you.
@Downright Fiction: I checked your page, and it sounds interesting. I'm definitely considering it but I could use some more info, could you post or email me or something?
ReplyDelete@garnetash: You're welcome, and I have to say, thank YOU- that kind of response from someone I (presumably) don't know in person is really heartwarming, and the kind of thing I can use to keep going at the times when it starts to feel difficult. I don't think either of us should lose faith in other people just yet- I think we both know that other people can be deceitful and uncaring, but there are a lot of people who aren't as well. I've thought a lot about it, and I think it's a good thing to feel afraid now, because if we're scared we're taking a risk, and how else can we get anywhere in life?
Heh, I appreciate a good pun. I'm still waiting to meet someone who does something really selfless for another person so I can tell them "Hey, you have a heart of gold. *pause* And a soul of silver." But that genuinely touches me that you say that- I can't judge for myself whether I'm a good person or not, all I do is try my best.
Actually, I do know, you although not very well unfortunately! But I hope that doesn't dishearten you. Faith is a funny thing simply because it fluctuates so much - the smallest thing can change it. But we do have the power of positive thinking! (Wow, that sounds incredibly cheesy. Sorry for that...)
ReplyDeleteI hope that opportunity comes along, and that when it does, it's someone who understands the pun. :) Also, I think the fact that you are so genuine even when you're musing to yourself (or at least I assume you write your blog posts with no particular audience in mind) proves that you are a good person. And humble!
Oh no, not disheartened at all! Feel free to talk to me should you ever get the chance, though I fear I may not be so eloquent when I talk in realtime...
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about sounding cheesy either, I do that quite a lot.
Yeah, I don't really write this for anyone in particular, mostly it's for anyone who wants to read, which seems to be what's happened so far- but I also do this as a form of straightening out my thought process. I can get distracted and jumble up my thoughts quite a bit, so this has been an effective reflection tool.
I'm glad to have someone like you reading this blog!