Our dance choreographer is an incompetent twit. That really needs to be said.
Right now I'm fairly stressed from all this stuff going on. Musical, improv, class reading, papers, other things on my mind...
Oh yeah, the title. Right. So I have a dilemma on my hands. Apparently it is possible to like two girls at once. And I have zero chance with both of them, what joy! Perhaps I should just print out a business card for when I meet girls for the first time so we can avoid all this fuss. It'd say something like:
"Hi, I'm Troy Wilkins, and I'm single and available. Despite this, if I ever develop any feelings for you deeper than friendship, you will find out somehow, probably from some well-meaning soul who intends to help me out, and you will inevitably end up hating me, just like all the others before you do."
Now, I know what you're thinking right now: "Troy, you silly sock monkey! Women love you, despite the fact that they all ignore you and none have ever yet reciprocated your feelings. But hey, just because thousands of other people end up miserable and lonely, you still have a... wait a minute... um..."
Yeah, that's what I thought. One of these girls I've known for a while now and I'm friends with, but she isn't really interested in relationships and I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to talk with her in a while. The other one is in the musical and is frankly so far out of my league we're playing different sports. I haven't even let on to anybody I know I like this girl. I thought about it, but when people try to help things go wrong. I'm already so scared that I'll make everyone here hate me, what if I do or say something wrong here? The theater is such a nice place to be, and I don't want to be unwelcome there.
Speaking of the theater, and I have to be frank, even the guys there who don't like women get more girls than I do, which is funny but kind of depressing. Don't give me this "you're not confident enough" bull, I've been called ugly, stupid, and worthless to my face and I've been called that and worse behind my back. I should just give up now and save the trouble. I wonder, what exactly, I did that was so bad that whatever power controls the universe decided to make it impossible for me to build relationships with other people? And of course that's the one thing I really want. I hate when I hear people complaining about their relationship problems, as if they got the short end of the stick. "SUCK IT UP!" I want to tell them- "At least at some point you had somebody who cared about you!" And who exactly do I have? Who have I got to live and love and laugh with? Who can I tell my most intimate secrets to without fear of being judged, who can I share the most mundane things with and know they'll always be interested? I haven't got that. I've never had that, and I think it may be too late to even start...
I know that's a lot to take in, but I really wanted to say it. I feel a little better for having said so. I haven't been seriously depressed for a while now, but it was hurting to keep it all in. I wish I trusted people more, especially the ones I know want to help. Why is it so hard for me to open up?
Positive news- Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver are only about two weeks away. Perhaps when I get a copy I will immerse myself in it and ignore everything else for a while. I'd like to go back to those simpler days when getting the next gym badge was the most pressing thing on my mind. I have my teams for both games planned out. I really look forward to the new journeys ahead of me in Johto, video games are such an effective stress reliever for me, and it's nice to have something trivial to obsess over and distract from bigger things. When the new season of Doctor Who starts I think I'll feel better.
...is it Easter yet?
(by the way, to my current one follower, thanks for the interest, but if I know you I'm afraid I don't remember who you are- have we met?)
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"Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." --Stephen Crane
ReplyDeleteThe universe isn't going to swoop in and intervene. It's a scary, unfair world and sometimes it seems like the good doesn't exist or is hard to find, but the truth is, everybody is just as afraid as you are, even the people who have hurt you before. There is nothing that separates you from them, no secret they know and you don't.
You can live your entire life in one room with all the bare essentials, no need to ever step out the door, but what kind of life would that be? You don't build a castle by never leaving the shack, you know? Everything you need to be happy is entirely within your grasp starting now. And now. And now.
Nobody can do it but you, which is possibly the most terrifying thing of all, but more importantly, it should be liberating to know that you have it within you to create change first within. Every minute is a new one, it's never too late to decide something new or change your mind, or do something as small as simple as tie your shoes another way or smile at a stranger. Your life is yours and because the universe owes you nothing, it means you are the sole owner and operator.
Hold your breath, unclench your fists, take a leap as big or small as you'd like, and the net WILL appear every single time, I promise. You might not even need one.
That is... excellent advice, and very well-said. Really, thanks for taking the time out to write and post that. I genuinely appreciate that, and I'll keep your words in mind.
ReplyDeleteWhy yes, we have met. I sit about two chairs in front of you in a certain 2pm class =3
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