...I feel horrible again.
I still have feelings for someone who will almost certainly hate me if she doesn't already. Same girl, yes. Not that it matters. It's never the person, it's always the result.
Somebody told me that maybe all the girls who hate me are just shallow. But they're wrong.
The problem is with me. Always has been. It's not something that can be fixed or changed, the problem is that I am me. If I were anybody else things would be OK.
So I'm pushing my luck just one more time. This is my ultimatum to the universe. This is my last attempt to find anyone. Ever. I'm not trying again after this. I lose out on her, I will accept once and for all that I am meant to be alone. I will never try again, never attempt to open up to anyone again. I will go through life alone, and at least know that is how things are supposed to be.
I've had enough failures, okay? I'm so, so tired of it. I feel incredibly old and worthless and unwanted. It's just about broken me. One more failure and I'm done with it. I know I've run out of chances.
Don't tell me "it'll get better, just wait!" NO. That is one of the most idiotic things you can ever say to anyone, especially to me. Things have NEVER gotten better for me, not in years. Only worse. I have long since earned the right to be happy when I want to be, but I can't be. The rest of the world won't let me. I turn 20 in less than a week. I have no relationship experience, no knowledge of love or romance besides the unrequited kind. It's too late for things to change.
It's all up to one last go. Either something finally goes right for me or I accept that nothing ever will. We'll see what happens.
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You're twenty? You've barely lived a fourth of your life. That's like giving up on walking when you are 6 months old. So you can say that you've tried your hardest, but until your legs are fully developed you aren't going to get anywhere.
ReplyDeleteJust saying.