Happiness is something that happens to other people

I watched the newest episode of Doctor Who today. There's a big spoiler ahead, so you may want to leave now if you don't want spoiled...



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So for those of you still with me, I think I had a moment in today's episode where I sympathized and identified more with the Doctor than I ever have. When the Doctor figures out who the Dream Lord is, he says he's figured it out because nobody else could hate him that much... and it turns out the Dream Lord is part of the Doctor. So nobody hates the Doctor as much as he hates himself. So yeah. That really struck a chord with me, because I think people don't really appreciate just how brutally I judge myself. And it's not even that brutal... I'm just honest about who I am.

No matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough for anyone. I get too scared to try most new things because I'm certain it'll end in failure, and when I'm brave enough to try it inevitably goes horribly wrong just as I thought.

In the end, everyone's going to leave me. They'll go home or find someone better or die or... just forget about me. It happens all the time, and sooner or later I'll have nobody left.

There's a very simple equation to look at it by. If there's two people in a room and one of them's me, the other one wishes they were alone.