Letter to a friend

Dear God,

Hi, it's me, Troy. I know we don't talk a lot, and I'm sorry about that, but you know it's always been a little bit awkward for me.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you why I'm writing, because you already know, being the Almighty and that kind of thing. But recently I've been wondering some things and I think you're the only one who can give me some answers, so hey, let's talk for a bit.

I just want to know... why are you putting me through what you have been the past few months of my life? And really, the last five or so years? I've noticed a disturbing pattern, in that I find myself falling for someone amazing who ends up hating me in the end. This always happens, no exceptions. Nothing good ever comes of these situations, just more pain and loneliness than I had to begin with.

And now over the past year, you introduced me to two girls who I liked very much. The first one lied to me and pretended to be my friend, and instead went for someone else who she pretty clearly picked based only on looks. And then I meet an even better girl, and you make it impossible for me to spend much time with her- and on top of that, now there's another guy for her too, and they're together and it's been killing me, both figuratively and literally. I cried so much yesterday that I found it hard to walk, and today I feel so dead inside.

So why?

Why are you doing this to me?

If you love all your children, then why have you given me nothing but sorrow so far? Did I do something wrong? I feel like you've abandoned me, like you hate me. Whatever I did, I'm sorry, really. Was it so bad that you had to curse me to be forever alone? What can I do to make up for this?

My friends say things will get better, and I want to believe them. But they have never gotten better before, only worse. And how much worse are you going to make things for me? Are you trying to kill me, God? Do you want me to die? Wouldn't a speeding car or a thunderbolt have been a lot faster? Or am I such a terrible person in your eyes for that to not be enough, and there has to be prolonged suffering?

Because that's what it feels like.

Why did you give me a heart if it's only there to be broken? Why did you give me the ability to feel compassion and love toward other human beings when it's never returned? I feel so alone in the universe sometimes, like I'm on the other side of a one-way mirror and other people can't see or hear me... and you know why I feel like this.

And you know that there's someone I care about, someone amazing and beautiful and wonderful, and she's with a guy nobody thinks she should be with, in a relationship that's supposedly doomed to failure, but I know that you're going to put me through the hell that has become living for as long as you possibly can. Can I even die? I wonder, have you, as some cruel joke, made me immortal so that if I should ever try to die, I can't, just so you can keep twisting the knife ever further?

If you care so much, then why is all the hard work and effort into being a better and stronger person rewarded only with failure?

I'm begging you, please, please, please forgive me, for whatever sin I committed, because this punishment is starting to be more than I can handle. Can't you just once let me have what I want? Why can't I be with this one person? Is my being unhappy that important to the continued existence of the universe? Or do you just want me to be miserable?

Just this once, please fix things. Don't let this go on for so many more weeks and years. I'm trying to put on a brave front but I'm dying on the inside. Just give me this chance...

Sincerely and apologetically yours,
Troy Wilkins